I heard a quote this past weekend at church that really resonated deeply with me. Instantly I thought about postpartum, because of how raw and difficult it can be.
Postpartum is the normal transition every woman goes through right after birth.
And in birth,
💔It takes broken water
💔stretched and sometimes torn or cut skin
💔and a surrendered will
for a baby to come into the world.
And when that baby is finally in your arms, maybe, like me, you thought it would just fix everything.
But sometimes you still feel broken.
Too soon it seems time to make the decisions, learn to breastfeed, change the diapers, do the dishes, greet the visitors, run the errands, make the meals, organize the clutter, lug the laundry baskets, calm the crying baby, exercise, take out the trash, juggle everything, and then do it all again. And again. And again.
You stay broken while you do all the things. Because you're so busy, you forgot to check the damage. You didn't think there was time. Or that you were allowed to be anything but "fine" because there was so much to do, and someone who seemed so much more important to care for.
This blog post has 3 intentions:
💔I want you to feel seen and loved if you feel broken.
💔I want you to take a moment to make room for your brokenness, and think about why it might be there.
💔I want you to start to see the growth and goodness that is coming out of it (and have hope for the beauty growing for the future).
Why might you feel broken?
If you feel broken, it makes sense. You just went through one of the most intense experiences you will ever go through. Perhaps you haven't had a chance to validate that, because of doctors, nurses, midwives, who have seen so many babies come into the world. Or a spouse, mother, friend, neighbor, who didn't know what it was like to be you, to go through what you went through. Everyone just expects you to be fine now. They seem to tell you, "You had your baby, didn't you? So there can't be any problems now."
No one knows how hard that was for you. Except you. And our Savior, Jesus Christ, who experienced it too.
It doesn't matter how long ago you had the baby, you deserve some time and space to recognize how significant and intense that experience was for you.
See the wounds. The hurt. The damage. You don't have to hide or pretend they didn't happen.
When "Fine" is a Lie
Maybe it's not so much about the birth, but everything that's happened after. Maybe the lack of sleep, the physical healing, the emotional turbulence, the way you feel about yourself and your situation feels incomplete, ripped, in need of repair.
If you feel like something is wrong, something is off, something is not quite right, it's time to speak up. TODAY. Be your own advocate. Only you know how you're feeling. But trust those instincts. Don't second-guess them anymore.
I know what you're probably thinking when I urge you to get help.
'I shouldn't need help.
I should just figure things out.
It's not SO terrible.
I'm afraid of what they'll say, what they'll think of me.
I'm fine. I'm really fine.'
It's not easy. If it were easy, we'd have a different culture- a culture where as soon as you have a baby, you ask for help, or don't need to because it's already waiting for you.
I get kind of fired up about this. I wish you didn't have to go through the discomfort of asking when you feel you shouldn't have to. I wish we just had systems in place like France or Mexico or many places in the world who assume a new mom will have her village to support her as she goes.
I'm mad that it's not that way here. Necessarily. Yet.
Do you think nobody else asks for help? That they have it all figured out?
The reason you don't see other people reaching out is either (1) they're just private about it and you don't know, or (2) they're suffering as much as you are and they think there's something wrong with asking for help.
You don't have to be like everyone who just simply doesn't ask for help because they think they shouldn't. You can get support for you, and let people think what they'll think.
Asking for Help is Courage
Getting help when you feel broken is the bravest thing you can do.
If you feel like something is off, like something's not quite right, you may want to consider that you could have postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, or another disorder. Maybe you just need more support, more understanding, more love. Without taking into consideration any more what you worry others will think of you and your ability to be a mom, make the phone call or text the person that helps you feel safe. Meet with a therapist. A coach. A trusted friend.
I still remember how hesitant, how terrified I felt right before I told someone about my scary thoughts.
I was having them all the time. Violent, jarring thoughts were punctuating my days as I tried so hard to be a good mom for my baby. I needed relief and didn't know where to turn.
I gathered up my courage in both hands and went upstairs to talk with my landlady and family friend who lived there. I remember after sitting down and as I started to talk, the tears flowed freely. I shared what had been going on- shared a little of what the thoughts actually were, and took a shaky breath as I paused and looked into her face.
She was crying too. She knew. Even though it had been more than a decade since her children were babies, she had experienced intrusive thoughts and remembered the agony of it. It was the first time I realized that I wasn't the only one. That I wasn't crazy.
After that I had the courage to go see a nurse practitioner and get medical support through my postpartum depression.
Start to See the Beauty that is Coming
When you are breaking, or sitting in the brokenness, it is too hard to see the beauty that is coming, most of the time. And that's by design. It's not the moment of seeing the best of things, seeing the silver lining of the cloud. Just let yourself breathe during the pain of it, and don't try to rush it.
Healing begins with acceptance. Right where you're at.
Beautiful things are coming.
Empathy.
You'll know exactly what words, what actions will be just right for another person going through this.
Wisdom.
You'll be able to trust yourself and God so much more after going through this.
And life.
When you feel broken but go through the motions, when you simply try even if you don't think your efforts are enough, you are creating life. Your child is nourished by your efforts. You are nourished by your efforts. What you are doing is so, so good.
If you want to talk with someone who gets it—who’s walked through postpartum pain and rejected the shame around asking for help—I’m HERE . Message me (@douladiane on instagram). Don’t wait for it to get worse. Let’s walk this healing journey together.
💕Because everyone wants to hold the baby. I'm here to Hold the Mom. -Diane
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