This question has become one of my biggest pet-peeves as a mother and a postpartum doula. As someone who cares about the well-being of new mamas, I fear that this question is a quick recipe for confusion, insecurity, and false expectations.
First, a baby is neither good nor bad. I mean, if we had to choose one, it's good because it's innocent. But it's a humanbaby. All humans do some things wonderfully and some things badly as they learn and grow and progress.
Second, what do we constitute as a "bad" baby? One who cries? One who doesn't sleep when we think it should sleep? One who makes messes with its bodily fluids making our lives more inconvenient? All babies do all these things- all to different degrees because like humans in general, every baby is unique. But crying doesn't make a baby bad. It makes a baby a baby. This is one way they communicate. Imagine being in the perfect temperature and being constantly fed whenever you wanted, being safe and undisturbed for your whole existence. Of course a baby would cry now that they've emerged from that comforting space. They're dealing with all kinds of stimulus they've never experineced before, and some of it is upsetting. And even if a baby isn't upset, they're simply trying to communicate their needs. There is nothing more natural than a baby crying- and we certainly don't need to judge a baby as a "bad" baby if they do.
When someone asks a new mom if her baby is a good baby, it's confusing. If her baby is behaving "well", it can invalidate how hard the adjustment to motherhood can be. An attitude such as, "I don't know why you're complaining, since they're feeding well and sleeping decently. Let me tell you about my suffering that I had with mine..." This is so isolating.
If her baby is behaving "badly" (which is actually just normal, remember?) she may feel shame or responsibility or wonder what she needs to be doing differently to turn this "bad" baby into a "good" baby. It's such an agonizing lie when we think we can control our children and get them to become who we think they should to represent us well.
Instead of asking this question, try complimenting the mom, the baby, and offering the help that you feel you would be willing to help with. Mothers already easily feel a lot of inadequacy and guilt without the extra comments they constantly hear - perhaps some are innocent or well meaning, but the unintentionality of those comments add to a culture of isolation, judgment, and harm. Let us be that village for new parents by offering empathy, love, help or space, depending on what the parents need, and a lack of judgment as they navigate this parenthood thing.
And finally, labeling babies as "bad" or "good" from the get-go can be harmful because it implies that babies need to earn their worth. Which is absolutely ridiculous. And just like babies, mothers (and people in general) are worth just as much whether they behave as others think they should or not. You are amazing. You are enough. No matter what. Not doing adorable month-by-month photos of your baby? Still a human (good!) mom. Bottlefeeding? Breastfeeding? Working? Staying-at-home? Cloth diapering? Disposable diapering? Still a human (good!) mom. Whatever your preferences, whatever your choices, don't second-guess yourself. It's always good to do your research and be intentional about how you want to raise your children. But take confidence. You are exactly the right parent for your child. You will hear many opinions. Lean into what resonates with you, get help from your spirituality and those you trust, and follow your instincts. You got this.