... or is it?
Some people describe breastfeeding as the most natural thing in the world. But if you feel it's unnatural, difficult, painful, and frustrating, you are not alone. The following might be helpful to consider and help you to drop the guilt about how you "should" be enjoying it and bonding with your baby in this way.
This is temporary.
Whatever is your current circumstance with breastfeeding (and this applies to motherhood in general) will change. It may even be a little better tomorrow.
Maybe your baby isn't transferring the milk (actually swallowing any milk) for some reason so you have to use a syringe or another method to feed the baby. It's tricky and you're not sure how long you can do it this other way.
Maybe right now you are frustrated or feel shame that you're not making enough milk and you have to supplement, which was not your plan.
Or maybe you're overproducing and/or experiencing painful letdown (the sensation in your breasts when your body is signaled to have the milk ready).
Maybe you have mastitis or a yeast infection in your breasts. This can be agonizing -- get help quickly. You don't need to suffer needlessly!
Maybe you have lots of things you want to get done but your baby is cluster feeding and you find yourself forced to slow down, rest, or try to do things one handed while your baby is feeding (the way I'm typing this right now).
Maybe the latching is agonizing every single time, and whenever someone else holds the baby they say, "Looks like she's hungry!" and you want to cry.
Maybe you dread feeding your baby and then instantly judge yourself to be a bad mom.
Maybe you feel embarrassed to breastfeed in front of other people, and it's hard to cover yourself adequately and still see what you're doing, so you go find a place to do it and feel like you're missing out. You feel isolated.
In my experience, breastfeeding eventually gets better. You and the baby have a lot to learn in the first few months, but gradually, you both figure it out. That doesn't make it easy when you're in the middle of all the figuring out, but if it's something you want to do, take heart and keep trying. It will get better.
Imagine yourself, talking with another mom at the park, and without a pause in your conversation being able to latch your baby and feed them, confidently, discretely, and without pain. When it's hard, imagine this future version of yourself. It can come true!
Fed is best.
A lot of women feel pressure to breastfeed and feel like they are some kind of failure if they decide to give up on it. We've been told it's so much better for the baby, and culture and instinct combined tend to make us sacrifice everything for the well-being of the baby. But what your baby really needs is a mama who is doing ok, and that includes mentally. Breastfeeding can be exhausting, frustrating, painful, messy, and can take a long time (I recently read that breastfeeding takes literally the same amount of time as a full-time job). Don't forget how important your well-being is, including your mental health.
I'm not trying to scare you or talk you out of breastfeeding. There's something to be said for perseverance, facing pain and inconvenience, and sacrificing for those you love. I just want to give you permission if you feel in your heart that breastfeeding is not working out, to give it up and not make that mean anything about you or the kind of mom you are.
If it's difficult at all and you want to keep doing it, know there are lactation consultants that are fabulous and want to help you. Invest in one! I did this with baby #5 and was so glad I did. The confidence I felt after her loving support was worth every penny.
Don't compare.
Every baby is different as is every mom. You may find it easier to breastfeed some of your babies than others. I was surprised that the pain did not go away with baby #4. I was so busy with my other little ones, and so hesitant to seek help for my own well-being, that I waited seven months before asking a specialist if she could possibly have a tongue tie (I had asked my pediatrician but they didn't detect it). Seven! Turns out she did have a tongue tie, and after an operation, breastfeeding was much better for both me and the baby. So don't compare your babies to each other, don't compare yourself to your past self, don't compare yourself to other moms who seem to have it all together. What you are doing is challenging and can be draining (make sure you hydrate and eat plenty!). What you need is a lot of loving compassion from yourself, not judgment.
Seek help.
If there is one thing I could change about my own culture in the United States, it may just be the ridiculous notion that asking for help is proving your incompetence. Would breastfeeding be such a hard thing for you if someone else did your dishes or watched your other kids? What if there was someone who would give you regular shoulder rubs for the tension that breastfeeding can cause? Or put a hand on a shoulder every time you latched the baby so you wouldn't feel alone in the pain? My six-year-old daughter has been doing this for me often and it is so sweet and helpful. What if you had someone experienced who could answer your questions, assure you that you were doing things well, help you understand your own anatomy and how things worked? Again a plug for lactation consultants! Think about what might make this goal to breastfeed more doable for you, and ask for help! Unfortunately those around you can't read your mind. But you may be surprised how many people may be willing to help, and all the ways even your kids can be of help to you.
I know it's hard, mama. I'm right there with you. For me, latching is still painful every time and baby is 2 months old. I'm going in for a consultation about a tongue-tie next week.
Think of how strong, how resilient, how wise you are becoming. And think about how you are literally giving that baby nourishment that your body made-- how beautiful and loving that is. You are doing better than you think.
If content like this is relevant to you, email holdthemom@gmail.com to get on a waitlist for my next postpartum support masterclass!