When my first baby was still teeny, I hadn't put a lot of thought into what things would be like. But they certainly weren't supposed to be like this.
You see, I had greatly anticipated her birth. I had adorable outfits to put her in and camera rolls to fill. I had lullabies to sing and chubby cheeks to kiss. So why was I afraid? Shocked? Disgusted?
I found myself feeling that way several times a day in the most ordinary of circumstances as I was bombarded with intrusive thoughts. I couldn't function and do my every-day chores or go anywhere without having some. And as soon as one started, it seemed to open the floodgates for more unwelcome thoughts, fears, and above all, self-judgment. What kind of mom has thoughts like this about her baby? Thoughts that I felt ashamed to even consider sharing out loud?
Finally, after months of silent suffering, I somehow found the courage to confide in a trusted mom-like figure about these unwelcome shocking, violent, terrible thoughts. I was surprised and relieved when she empathetically shared that she knew exactly what that felt like, as she had dealt with intrusive thoughts too. I can still remember clearly that moment when she cried with me. It was so powerful to realize that I wasn't the only one.
Come get support, love, understanding, ideas, help, and empathy at this webinar I'm teaching:
Going through that time when I felt so isolated, scared, and was so harsh with myself was the beginnings of an amazing transformation. If I hadn't been so low once, I wouldn't care so much to help others get through it now. If you are feeling in the depths yourself, whether that's diagnosable postpartum depression (or another mental health diagnosis) or just a really bad day or week, and one factor is unwanted, scary thoughts, PLEASE know it is not your fault. You are not a bad mom. Come learn more about what is going on for you. Start to give yourself love and compassion.
You are the mom that baby is supposed to have. You are doing so much more than you realize. You are worth soooooooooo much. Let's take care of you.
(Photo by Dev Asangbam on Unsplash)