'I don't want to be like them,' I worried obsessively. I had violent images in my mind many times a day, for many days. They'd happen when I took my baby to her many pediatrician appointments. When I'd be in the car with her. When I'd be home alone with her, doing everyday chores. 'I don't want to be like those moms you see on the news.'
This thought kept me full of shame, kept me hiding. I couldn't let anyone know I was having these thoughts. They'd certainly take my baby away. And I absolutely adored her. I was so frustrated that I couldn't keep these thoughts from coming. I felt like I was a terrible mom.
The only people I'd ever heard of that expressed any familiarity with thoughts of hurting their baby was those moms who ended up in jail. And that terrified me. 'Am I next?' I wondered.
Photo by Grant Durr on Unsplash
The very fact that I worried about that was proof that I wouldn't be one of those moms. Of course I didn't know that then, but scary, intrusive thoughts are very common in moms who just had a baby. And worrying and fearing that you might hurt your baby are indications of love, protection, and being a good mom.
There is a mental illness called postpartum psychosis, which is very serious, but also very rare. Like all things shocking and unusual, of course it gets inflated in the news. I wonder how many other new moms are confusing their very normal (though annoying, and sometimes absolutely agonizing) scary thoughts with this diagnosis, like I did.
From what I've read and learned about postpartum psychosis, my understanding is that some of its symptoms are hallucinations, delusions, and beliefs that they should do strange or dangerous things such as hurt themselves, their baby, or others. That they're supposed to. Even that it's God's wish. Perhaps they want to do these strange things, or have a strong urge to. The thing that makes it so scary to me, is that the mom thinks she's doing the right thing, so it could happen under the radar. Therefore, if you're worried about your scary thoughts-- if you're scared like I was that people might judge you and that you may end up doing something terrible that you would regret, it is an indication that you do NOT have postpartum psychosis.
Though psychosis is rare, it is possible. So please have a support system of some kind (have support anyway!!). If you do not have a partner or family members living with you, taking care of you during your postpartum recovery, have a trusted neighbor or friend who can check on you regularly. They should be able to notice if you don't seem to be yourself. And if you do have postpartum psychosis, go get help immediately. This is a serious issue and shouldn't be brushed off as something that can wait. The ER, 911, whatever. Get help.
And know that after the first 6 weeks after birth you may not be off the hook with this. My scary thoughts often started around then and lasted until about month 3. Every mom could have a different timeline, and different intensity of the intrusive thoughts.
-Kelly Bilodeau (Harvard Health)
"While intrusive thoughts may be disturbing, they aren't harmful or mean that you have a secret desire to do the things that popped into your mind."
If you are relating to what I've written about my experience with scary thoughts, I have some strategies that could give you relief. Join us for a free webinar on the topic on Thursday, August 29. Here's the link to sign up.
Regardless if you're having scary thoughts or not-- if you're feeling overwhelmed with postpartum (the period of time when you have a newborn), please have some compassion for yourself. You are going through a great deal. The work you are doing to care for and raise this child is beautiful, eternally valued, and often underappreciated but so crucial. Thank you, mama.