When I became a mom 10 years ago, I felt like I had something to prove.
I wanted people to think I was competent. That I knew how to be a mother. That my mama instincts were so incredibly strong, that I didn't need help. That I always knew what my baby needed.
This made social situations pretty stressful for me, even around my own parents and siblings.
Baby would cry. Someone would say "maybe she's hungry." and I'd try to mask my frustration since breastfeeding was still painful and I had fed her 20 minutes ago - my breasts were still tender from the experience. I felt like as her mom, people were waiting for my authoritative response. Perhaps, "you're right, she sure is," and leave to go feed her, or disagree but say the reason she was fussy. As if I knew all the time.
Ironically, even though I tried to act confident and competent in this mothering thing, I felt so lost, so over my head. I feared "doing it wrong" and didn't want anyone to see. I was so afraid people would think I was unfit to be a mother, that people would judge me if I admitted I didn't know what to do in every moment.
Let me tell you, it is SO exhausting to live that way. And my family members or friends were probably not even analyzing if I knew what I was doing or if I was a "good enough" mother. They were probably focused on other things!
When I think about this more, I realize it would be pretty odd if a brand new mother was truly confident, especially in American culture.
A brand new mom in our culture perhaps has never seen somebody breastfeed a baby before. She may have babysat, but certainly doesn't know what it really feels like to care for a baby 24/7 while she's sleep deprived. She knows she feels rotten, and often silently wonders what is wrong with her, but may not know she's experiencing the effects of birth trauma. Especially with this brand new bundle of joy that she "should" be loving every moment with.
She doesn't know why her body is still bleeding or why parts of her are leaking. She doesn't know how long it'll take to feel "normal" again. She doesn't know why she's so emotional except for some comments about "hormones" that people say like a passing joke.
She didn't know motherhood would be like this. And it's scary to be stuck in the middle of something she hadn't realized she had signed up for.
In our culture, we are very individualistic. And we are very much about results, not the journey. And in postpartum, that means isolation, ignorance, and illness, especially mental illness from being so hard on ourselves.
So new mama, let me just let you know a little secret. It's ok to be the new girl.
Please ponder this question:
Why would you be good at it if you have never done it before?
And for those of you mamas who have had a baby or two or six or ten, it's still new for you because you've never had this baby at this age with those other kids who are in their ages and their stages before. It is new for you too.
That's my favorite question to ask myself when I start to get perfectionistic. When I wonder "what the heck is wrong with me?" or when I compare myself to those other moms who seem "ahead" of me.
Why would I be good at it if I've never done it before?
Your capacity truly is growing, even if you can't see it. But for now, it's hard. It's a lot. But you will TOTALLY figure it out.
I'm cheering you on.
<3
If you liked this post, join us for Drop the Mom Guilt coming up! It'll be transformative!