It's a brand new year and many of us are feeling the hope of trying new goals. We have optimism that we can accomplish our dreams. This is our year.
New Years comes with unrealistic expectations for many of us, followed by a disappointing crash when we fail to meet them. Or at least a fizzling out.
But for mamas who just had a baby, this can happen at other times of the year too.
Every person who gives birth (or has a miscarriage) goes through a transition period. They become a new creature as they go from hungry, eager, hopeful caterpillar to graceful, powerful butterfly.
I find this comparison of the transformation of butterflies to the transformation of new moms is an excellent one.
What happens when a caterpillar cocoons? A private, complicated, messy process where it transforms into an unrecognizable creature with new capabilities and opportunities. What happens if a cocoon is opened early? Nothing good. The butterfly won't survive.
Photo by William Warby on Unsplash
The butterfly emerges when it is properly developed, and in doing so, it gains the strength and resilience it needs to survive.
After birth, when we rush the process and try to "bounce back", opening up our own cocoon too early, we essentially set ourselves up for frustration, identity crisis, and an incapability to cope. Postpartum depression and other mood and anxiety disorders are a common side affect.
So, with new years and with butterflies, the problem isn't the expectations. It's what we do when we fail to meet them, or at least not yet or in a different way.
New mama, I get it that you're struggling. You are worried about so many things, such as breastfeeding, having difficulty setting boundaries with family members, wondering if you're doing enough, if you're the only mom who feels overwhelmed, sad, and alone. You thought you'd be this amazing butterfly that can fly gracefully through motherhood, inspiring others and feeling fulfilled because you love that baby so much.
Navigating new motherhood can feel like an out-of-body experience. You wonder, 'who even am I anymore?' and you don't really have time to dwell on that much because your baby needs so much from you. It's really hard when you expected to be so happy but instead you're doubting your abilities and questioning your decision to become a mom in the first place.
My dear, you're still in the cocoon.
I know it feels a little claustrophobic. I know you just want to skip all the pain from your vaginal tears as you heal and the sore nipples as you learn how to breastfeed. I know you hate crying and it's frustrating when you feel you have no control over the emotions that come out of nowhere. There are many moments in these days that you wonder what exactly it is that you signed up for.
What you are becoming is more beautiful than you could ever imagine. You are becoming wise. And empathetic. And your capacity to love is growing tremendously.
You need validation. You need to understand that you are not the only one who feels this bad.
Don't try to bounce back. Don't try to feel like yourself again. Breathe and heal and give yourself space to find the new you. You are becoming something even better. But growth is never comfortable.
So if you're struggling, know that motherhood feels hard because it IS hard. And you are right on track.