I started writing this post… then changed my mind—twice. I kept feeling like I wasn’t qualified to talk about babies who cry a lot, because I’ve never had a truly colicky baby.
But I’m writing anyway, because I do have experience with crying babies, and with being a tired, overwhelmed mom. And I’ve learned some things that might help.
So here we are. If your baby cries and cries and cries, this post is for you—with all my love and respect. I don't pretend to know how hard it really is, but I hope you can feel seen and get some relief from this post.
Here are four little strategies that I would try if I had a baby that just wouldn't stop crying, knowing what I know now about babies, parents, and the human brain.
1. Take a Deep Breath and Neutralize the Situation.
If your baby is crying, and keeps trying even as you try "all the things", you may be tempted to start thinking things like this:
- I don't know what else to try.
- This baby is NEVER going to go to sleep/calm down.
- I can't do this anymore.
- I need to fix it- I can't seem to fix it. What's wrong with me?!
- I think I'm going to go crazy.
- I can't just let the baby cry.
Feeling guilty and stressed when your baby is already crying a lot is NOT going to help you come up with solutions. It is not going to help you be the parent you want to be in that situation. And it is not going to help you stay calm.
Those thoughts suggest that you should know what else to try. That you should have the answers, all the time. That you should be able to get your baby calm, and if you could, you'd finally be able to prove to others or yourself that you're a competent and good mom.
So, next time your baby is crying a lot (or, just right now if your baby is still crying and seems to have never stopped), take a really deep breath or two or ten and ground yourself.
I like to just think about where I am and what is happening, almost as if I am observing it outside myself.
'I'm a woman standing up in a house in a city in Utah, holding a baby. The baby is crying loudly. Babies cry. That's what they do.'
When I think about it that way, all the sudden it's not personal. It's not about me failing to be a good mom to this baby, it's not about the baby being broken or bad or doing something they shouldn't. It's not about me being confused or lost or overwhelmed. It's just about a mom holding a baby, and noise coming from that baby. It becomes much more neutral. It becomes boring, even. There are thousands of babies, if not millions all over the world doing the same thing. There are thousands if not millions of moms trying all the tricks to hush and comfort their little ones too. I am not alone in this. It will pass (even if it seems to take longer than it should or than I would like it to). It will not actually be forever that I'll hear this baby cry and feel these feelings.
2. Recognize All You're Already Doing
The baby crying does not equal you failing or being inadequate. As the baby is crying, see if you can list 10 things you've done even in the last hour for the baby. You are showing up for them. You are helping and being a good mom. You are trying, which is all any of us can do.
Measuring Success by Love, Not Silence
It is so easy to assume that our worth and the indicator of a job well done is our baby's behavior. But babies have a choice, and instincts, and reasons that we may not understand why they do what they do. We cannot tie our worth and success to their results. At least not without feeling worthless when the baby chooses to cry a lot.
3. Put Yourself in the Baby's Booties
Back when I had my first baby, I remember my sister helping me see the baby's perspective when I was frustrated by how often she wanted to breastfeed. Granted, I had good reason to dread it, since it was really painful for the first few weeks until we got used to it, and I didn't want to experience the pain again so soon. However, she had a point when she invited me to consider how my baby might be feeling.
Why Crying Makes Sense (Even If It’s Still Really Hard)
My baby was accustomed to a dark, peaceful, warm, and safe environment. Everything was predictable and delightfully underwhelming. And then birth happened, which was likely surprising if not traumatic for my baby. Maybe she felt so scared to be out in the world with all the sights and sounds and temperature changes and stimulus that was so overwhelming and strange. But when she was skin-to-skin with me, when she was being held, she could smell familiar smells, she could hear that familiar heartbeat again. She could hear my voice that she heard -- somewhat muffled, but still heard-- from the womb. And she could believe she'd be ok.
She was used to being fed and taken care of continuously from an umbilical chord. She was used to comfort and safety and being constantly held within her mom.
This is not to say you have to continuously hold and/or feed her. We all know how crazy we feel when we've been holding the baby so much and feel like we can't do anything else. But, it's just to understand where your baby is coming from, and why they might be crying.
4. Step Away When You Need To
If you feel overwhelm and stress, hand your baby off to another responsible adult, or put them down in a crib or bassinet, and close the door. Go outside and get a breath of fresh air. Or go in your bathroom and turn on a fan or take a shower and allow the water to drown out the noise for a while.
Needing Space Doesn’t Make You a Bad Mom
Many moms believe to be a good mom is to be present. But if you are feeling overwhelmed, it is healthy and better for yourself and your baby to take some time to regroup.
I think we're all so afraid of being a bad mom. Of neglecting our babies. I love what my aunt would give at baby showers- in a gift basket among other things she'd give a plastic shower cap. Not really to keep your hair dry in the shower, but to cancel out the sounds of the baby crying while you took a shower. I loved this so much because of how she normalized it. That babies cry. Sometimes a lot. And moms get overwhelmed. And moms need a break. Her gift gave permission to take that break. Regroup. Breathe. Allow other to help- even if that means seeing the mess of the house or the mess of not having a perfectly behaved little baby.
When you're the one helping and calming and hearing the crying over and over and over, it can make you feel a little crazy. And most of that is due to the expectations we have of ourselves and babies and what it means to be a "good baby" and a "good mom".
Allowing your baby to cry sometimes is a good start to allowing for pain and suffering that is inevitable in your child's life. I know it's hard to let it happen. I know we want to shield and protect them from everything. But that's not actually going to help them in the long run. It's perhaps an unpopular opinion, but it's true. We have joy, we have fulfillment, but we also suffer and have pain as humans. It's just the way of it. Even our babies, even our little kids.
You’re Not Alone, and You’re Not Failing
Mama, if you have been experiencing all of the shame, guilt, and frustration that so often accompanies a baby that cries "so much", I just want to thank you for ALL you have done over and over to help that baby and try so hard to calm them. And I want to give you permission. Get help from neighbors, friends, a postpartum doula. Step out for a while at times. Do what you need to do to breathe and get back to feeling okay.
You're amazing. I'm rooting for you (you may not hear it over the crying, but I am!).
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