Birth is often seen as the finish line—but for most parents, it's only the beginning of a new, demanding journey. What if we’re getting it all wrong about what to expect after the baby arrives? Let me tell you what I mean.
Imagine that you set out to climb a tall mountain. You are mentally prepared, have all the supplies you needed, have a group of friends, and set off. Parts are strenuous, parts enjoyable, and when you're almost done you have moments where you just want to give up. But finally you get to the top, with sore feet, but it's all worth it when you first take in that incredible view.
Before you're ready-- before you can rest and celebrate a job well done-- you feel pressure from your group to head back down. It's almost jarring, as you think, 'Wait, we just got up here!' As you grudgingly follow, you assume going down will be so much easier, but you're disappointed. It requires different muscles, your blisters are unforgiving and remind you of their existence with every step, and you keep sliding on the trail. You're stressed you'll fall or even tumble down the mountain at the steep parts. You're sweaty, exhausted, still a little jaded that no one let you rest, and just dream of a shower and a long nap.
At last you're in the parking lot, all finished with your hike. You're just getting in the car when you see a group of runners about to start a marathon. You take a deep breath, get back out out of the car, and join them.
Now you may be thinking, 'WHAT?! Why would I do that, Diane? I just hiked the mountain. I need rest ASAP. My feet are blistered, I'm exhausted, I'd never just go join a marathon right away. They can go on without me- maybe I'll do that someday, but I just barely hiked that mountain. You couldn't pay me to join the marathon right away!'
It sounds crazy, right? But this is what we do. This is what US culture expects from brand new moms.
You Did Something Huge
If you haven't guessed yet, the mountain is birth. You were pregnant for about 10 months- some of that time was exciting, some of it difficult, perhaps even agonizing as you dealt with so many things you'd never experienced. Maybe you went through nausea as your body seemed to want to reject the new life growing within, hormones making it difficult to stay emotionally even, your uterus swelling to the size of a watermelon, fear of childbirth and if you'd be an adequate mother for this new little person you've come to love so much already.
Certainly you heard comments and advice on the regular making social exchanges more awkward or exhausting. And we can't forget how long the end of pregnancy feels with difficulty sleeping, having to pee every five minutes, rib pain, varicose veins, leaking, and all of the things. You already went through A LOT before labor even began.
And then, at the peak of your mountain (birth), hopefully you had a moment of joy, satisfaction, pleasure at meeting your new little one. But for some moms, the bonding didn't happen like it does in the movies or on Instagram. Just like fog blocking the view, you felt deep disappointment, birth trauma, or the shock of what you just went through.
Wait—Can I Just Sit Down First?
Your body is sore, your emotions all over the place, and everyone around you thinks you should be absolutely thrilled because you just had your precious baby and they're so, so cute.
Or for some moms, it's not about bonding. It's about a baby that didn't make it here safely. It's about grief and darkness and "no no no this can't be happening can't we go back to 5 minutes ago when everything was still ok?" It's about adrenaline and confusion and no one telling you what's going on as they're all rushing about.
Even in the most perfect birth where mama and baby are fine, no unwanted interventions were needed, and everything went beautifully, for so many moms the pressure to start hiking down the mountain before they're ready is very real.
Nurses might be rushing you to breastfeed before you're ready. Babies are given shots, names have to be chosen, birth certificates filled out. Life starts coming at these new parents according to someone else's schedule and policies and it's all happening so fast without much thought of what was just accomplished.
Why Am I Already Expected to Be Okay?
As soon as the baby is out, the attention seems to go almost anywhere but the mother. Of course we’re all obsessed with the baby—but then the doctors are congratulated, the nurse’s first words retold, and the mom, the one who just did everything, fades into the background.
I don’t say this to dismiss the helpers. But isn’t it strange how quickly the focus shifts away from the person who just risked their life to bring new life?
So within a few days, Mama and Daddy and baby leave the hospital and go home. (Unless there’s a NICU stay—which has a lot of stress tied up in it on its own.) And what’s waiting for them when they walk through the door? A massage? A soft, comfortable bed? A postpartum doula ready to take care of everything so the parents can rest deeply?
The Marathon Can Wait
For most, instead of any of that, it's the social expectation to join the marathon runners.
To lose the baby weight ASAP. To fit into those jeans again. To clean the messy house. To go to the family dinner, looking great and confident with your baby on your hip like an accessory. To do everything you did before PLUS keep this baby alive, all with very little sleep.
Oh, and don't ask for help. It makes you seem incompetent.
Do you see the problem?
It doesn't make ANY SENSE to join the marathon.
Just don't do it.
This Is the Part Where You Rest
Or you can, someday, when you're ready. When you're healed. If you want to.
But right now, you just climbed that mountain.
You're incredible.
You did such a good, hard, scary thing.
Let them judge you if they want.
Let them wonder why you don't seem to care about the marathon.
Just snuggle that baby.
Accept help.
Heal.
You won't regret it.
If you’re in the thick of postpartum, please know: rest is productive. Asking for help is brave. And no one else gets to decide when you're ‘back to normal.’ You just did something extraordinary. Let that be enough for now. I'm a postpartum doula-- if you're curious about how I help new moms and if I'd be a good fit to help you out, discover more HERE.
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