When you become a mother, everything changes including social life and social capacity. It's an intense transition and it can take time to find what works for you again.
Even if it's tricky to figure out, you still absolutely need friends. Maybe more than ever.
Tonight I had the incredible blessing to spend some time with two of my very closest friends. We talked about
silly things,
sad things,
hard things,
joyful things,
deeply meaningful things.
I cried as I felt safe to share some burdens I've been carrying lately. As I reflect on those two hours or so that I spent with them, I feel so uplifted. I really needed that time with them.
It can be hard when you're in postpartum to watch as social relationships seem to suffer.
Friends who don't have their own kids may not understand why you're late, have to leave early, or don't show up at all.
Friends who do have kids too may want to hang out, but it's hard to connect like you used to be able to because of complicated schedules and all the interrupted conversations if it does happen.
Here are 6 lil' strategies to maintain and strengthen your friend relationships, even when you feel too busy to even take a shower.
💭Ask your friends to check in with you often during postpartum
If you have friends already when your baby is born, and they ask what they can do to help, by all means ask them to do whatever you need help with. But one simple yet meaningful way they can help is to text you whenever they think of you. During postpartum, you'll have good and hard moments. You'll have times when you really need to cry or vent. If you have some friends who you feel safe to unload on emotionally occasionally, it'll help you avoid/ prevent/ navigate postpartum depression and thrive during postpartum with that social support.
💌Text them whenever they come to mind.
Just take a moment when the thought comes to you. It can be as simple as "Just thinking of you" or "I was just thinking how glad I am to be your friend!" Or even an emoji! "💕" This little but powerful thing can really help a friendship survive. The thing we can all stop doing though? The "sorry-I-never-texted-you-back" guilt. It would be pretty unusual and weird to be great at remembering to always text back when you get so many interruptions every day and are running on less-than-ideal sleep.
📱Connect with apps
I think Marco Polo app is great for moms. We can get on there and ramble and process and send a video message to a friend, and then consume theirs on our own timetable. For me, this works a lot better than phone calls, which are typically interrupted or come at a bad time. Another fun way to connect is through social media or game apps like Finch (my favorite productivity app! Click and use code CBFPAKFNQJ to get a fun free thing I think), Duolingo, or Wordle. Just be careful to not use social media as a weapon against yourself. The discouragement we can feel by comparing our worst to their best all the time is very real. If self disconnection is happening more than actual friend connection, then it isn't a great social outlet.
There's another app I've heard great things about but haven't used myself: "Peanut". You can swipe to find moms you'd like to connect to as friends. I love that we live in a day where it can be so easy with options like this!
😁Redefine what it means to be a friend
Sometimes I compare my friendships with what they used to be like before I had kids. We'd talk for hours, go out to lunch, have adventures together. But after having kids, eventually I realized that a friendship that just consists of a smile and hello as we see each other in passing down the hall in church once a week can count for a lot. Sometimes it's dropping off clothes that our baby has grown out of for the friend whose baby is a little younger. Or dropping off a loaf of bread. It's not always a lot of time anymore, but it can still be meaningful, connecting, and we can still consider these new relationships that develop or the relationships that shift after having kids as important and enough. It all counts.
🤷♀️Let them see the real you
There have been times that I felt anxious about a friend coming over because of the state of my house, my kids having big emotions in that moment, or me just feeling not-put-together. One of the biggest gifts you can give to another mom is to just let her see the mess that is real life. Will she judge you? Maybe. Will she feel like her own mess in her own life is relatable and ok? More likely. So much good can happen from not cancelling the play date, not cleaning up first, and just showing up as authentic and vulnerable to our friends.
🎉Have something to look forward to with friends
Even if it's 6 months, a year, 5 years out, have a fun get-away trip or a tradition. Have something that you share that has nothing or little to do with your day-to-day life if you want. The friends pictured above and I will be going on a little getaway for a few days later on this summer with two more of our dear friends. They say the anticipation of a trip is just as good as the actual trip. So to have something always planned to look forward to, whether it's an early morning walk before your kids are up, a birthday lunch, a park date with the kids too, a double date, or a big getaway trip is a great way to stay connected to friends and help yourself feel like the real person that you are when life can feel monotonous and overwhelming.
What if I feel like I don't have any friends right now in my life, Diane?
I can relate to that feeling. Part of you wants and misses friends, part wants to just hibernate at home and stay to yourself. Part of you feels so insecure as you figure out this mom-thing and you don't want any advice or judgment. New relationships can even feel dangerous to you.
If you feel you don't have friends and you want them, here's a few ideas. If you feel you don't want to have friends right now either, that's fine- keep reading.
Imagine you're at the park with your baby strapped to your chest and your toddler starts playing on the playground. Here are a few ideas of what you could do/ say to make friends:
- Go over to another mom and say, "Hello! I'm __________ and I just wanted to make a new friend. May I sit here? What's your name?"
- Give a genuine compliment. The easiest way is to just mention the first thing that you notice. "Wow! What a cute sun-hat. You have good taste. Where did you find it?"
- Offer a thought that you would like to hear. "Hey, I just wanted you to know that I can tell you're a great mom. You're nice to bring your kids to the park today. They're lucky to have you."
- Sometimes if you're just close by, a conversation will naturally begin. You put your baby in a baby swing next to another baby, and soon you and that mom are both there pushing your babies. You might ask how old her baby is and share with her how old yours is.
- Assume that another mom at the park is lonely and would love conversation with another adult. And just try. Be the one.
You are always with you. If you can learn to trust yourself, forgive yourself, encourage yourself, genuinely love yourself, you will be able to create a life for yourself that is amazing.
Email me at holdthemom@gmail.com for your free 30-minute coaching session. You’re not alone—and this might be just the support you’ve been needing.
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