Triggered? Here's a 5-Step Tool to Help You Take Back Control

Triggered.

Today I was coaching a mom who recently had her second baby, and she mentioned how triggered she feels when both of her littles are crying or demanding something at the same time.

And it got me thinking about that word: triggered.

When I hear it, I picture a gun. Sudden. Explosive. Dangerous. Something fast and outside of my control. I think it’s a fitting metaphor for what it feels like when our baby cries—or our toddler whines—and we instantly feel stressed, annoyed, panicked, or afraid.

Think of something in your own life that you’d describe as “triggering.” Now keep it in mind as I give you a tool that can help you regain control when you're in that situation.

Since discovering the power of intentional thinking through life coaching, I’ve realized just how much control I do have—even in moments that feel chaotic. I’m on a mission to show moms how empowered they really are.

We are not powerless victims of our circumstances. We don't have to live in fear of being triggered.

Have you ever seen those movies where time freezes? A bullet is fired, but before it hits its mark everything stops so the audience sees exactly what’s happening. It's usually for dramatic effect.

But what if we could do the same thing --freeze time-- for anti-dramatic effect (that is to say to decrease the drama instead of heighten it)? What if, when we felt triggered, we could mentally freeze the moment, observe it, and choose how to respond instead of reacting so quickly (and eventually get to the point where we're doing a metaphorical back-flip out of the way and then when time goes back to normal the bullet hits a potted plant instead! 😆)?

Photo by Tsvetoslav Hristov on Unsplash. Thank you!

This is where the acronym PAUSE comes in.

When you feel yourself getting triggered, try this:

P – Pause and Breathe

Breathing is the fastest way to show your body who's really in charge. It’s one of the only bodily functions you can consciously control at any time—and it’s incredibly effective.
When you breathe intentionally:

• You distract your brain from the thoughts that are creating lightning-fast emotional responses.

• You tell your nervous system it’s safe to calm down.

Next time you're feeling triggered, try a few deep, slow breaths. Count to 4 as you inhale, hold for 4, exhale for 4. Or another one I've heard that I like is "smell the flowers, blow out the candles." Breathe longer/more than you think you need to. Give yourself a chance to slow down so your logical brain can catch up.

Even if this is the ONLY THING you do differently than what you usually do, it'll make a difference!

A – Acknowledge what you’re feeling

Don’t skip this part. Naming your emotion is powerful.

“Oooo I'm SO mad right now!”
“I’m overwhelmed!”
“This feels like too much.” 

Labeling it helps your brain process and understand what is going on internally.

U – Understand the emotion—get curious

Where do you feel it in your body?
Is it heat in your face? Tightness in your chest? A racing heart? Are you nauseous?
Notice it without judgment. Just let it be there.
This is the step where you stop resisting the feeling and let it move through you.

It can be helpful to describe where the emotion is in your body and what it's doing as it's happening. If you're with your kids, no need to be shy even if this seems weird. You are modeling being in touch with yourself and developing emotional intelligence.

Unpopular opinion here: there are no "bad" emotions. As humans, we have a variety of emotions on any given day. It is a part of truly being alive to experience them all.

S – Show compassion

Validate what you’re experiencing.

“Of course I feel this way.”
“That reaction makes sense.”
“It’s okay to feel this.” 

This softens the shame that often follows a reaction we wish we’d handled differently. When you validate instead of judge yourself, you stay connected to who you want to be.

Many of us fear that if we're compassionate with ourselves, we'll slip into a terrible version of ourselves. If I allow myself to be human and angry sometimes, I'll be out-of-control-scary-monster-version-of-myself angry. If I allow annoyance, I'll become a grumpy person.

Just give it a try and see how wrong you may be about that assumption. I believe we change for the better and in a sustainable long-term kind of way when we treat ourselves with tons of compassion and love as we're learning how to do this.

E – Empower yourself to choose

This is where the magic happens. You remember:
You always get to choose. Always.

It's going to feel like a super power! Whereas before, you felt triggered and like you had zero control over your emotions or actions or the chaos that would immediately follow what your baby or toddler did, NOW you realize you actually get to choose. You get to think and respond intentionally.

You can yell. Or you can take one more breath.
You can shut down. Or you can ask for help.
You’re not stuck in your old habits—you’re learning new ones.

And let me just say, if you choose to yell, all is not lost. You can comfort and be there for yourself and your child once you calm down. You can apologize. You can ask forgiveness and importantly forgive yourself. And you can have hope and try again the next time.

Photo by Michelle on Unsplash. Gracias!

Let’s say your child takes FOREVER to get their shoes on even though you're late, and you yell. That’s the old pattern.

Now you PAUSE:

• Pause and Breathe (keep breathing throughout the other steps too).

• Acknowledge: “Wow. I’m feeling angry. I’m overwhelmed.”

• Understand what's happening internally: “I feel it in my chest… my hands are clenched…”

• Show Compassion: In the moment, this looks like "I got you. I know you're feeling a lot right now. But you're safe, you're allowed to feel, you're going to be ok." If you do still yell, it's a conversation with yourself after-the-fact where you are there for you with tons of love. And an apology to the child. But no guilt rabbit-holes.

• Empower yourself to choose: "I could sing right now, instead of yelling. I could do 3 jumping jacks or run in place. I could make it a game to get my kid to put on their shoes. I could decide it's really no big deal to be late. I can choose. I always have a choice." or, if you already yelled, "I choose to love me anyway. I choose to believe this is not how it always has to be."

Sometimes the Understand step and the Compassion step happen a little later, when you think about what happened before. I love this approach that my own life coach helped me start getting in the habit of asking. “That’s interesting. I wonder why I yelled?”

And then I'd realize: “I felt surprised, overstimulated, and powerless in that moment. Anger feels more powerful than fear, so I defaulted there. But I don’t want to keep doing that. Next time, I want to slow it down and choose something else.”

You won’t get it right every time. But each time you pause, you’re building a new path. And over time, it becomes easier.

So the next time you feel triggered—PAUSE.
Give yourself the gift of space. You’re not just reacting anymore.
You’re choosing every time and becoming the mom and person you want to be.

I'd love to hear how it goes. You can DM me on instagram (@douladiane), or email me at holdthemom@gmail.com :)