Trapped.
Suffocating.
'What the heck did I sign myself up for?'
That was how I felt about motherhood at first.
Not all the time. I loved the snuggles. The little dimpled hands. The giggles. Dressing her up in those adorable outfits. The pride of looking down into that little face and knowing she was here because of me. Marveling at every new milestone.
And before long her little brother joined us, so we had double the moments of wonder as those two little ones were learning and growing so much and so well.
I absolutely had moments of joy.
But they were fleeting.
More often than those golden rays of contentment, I felt contempt. Frustration. Stress. Resentment. Overwhelmed.
I saw other moms with more kids than I had and wondered how they seemed so... chill.
I wanted so badly to be like them. To be less high-strung. To actually somehow be able to enjoy this season of raising littles and not just be dreading every single day.
Today, my first baby is now 11, and my others are 9, 7, 4, and 1. Things feel very different now.
With my 4yo
I am a wiser, calmer, more confident mom these days. And it's not because it's gotten easier. There are 3 things I feel contribute to this blessed change, and #3 is basically a shortcut- even if you're a brand new mom, you don't have to wait to become the mom you want to be.
1. Isn't it about... time?
You naturally become more easy-going as a mom just because of time and experience. Like the story of the baby and the flip-flop: when you have your first baby and you find them chewing on your flip-flop, you quickly take it away, worried about all the germs they just got from your dirty shoe. When you find your second baby chewing on your flip-flop, you think, 'Oh good. Maybe that will occupy them long enough that I can take a shower.'
I think some of the change in attitude as more time goes by and you have more experience is simply about choosing your battles. When you've been at this long enough, certain things aren't worth getting stressed about anymore. You eventually realize how impossible it is to worry and stress about everything.
2. Your capacity grows
I love this reminder because it is so true, and so empowering.
When everything about motherhood is hard, it's partly because you're still healing from birth. We don't expect a marathon runner to immediately start a strenuous hike when they cross the finish line.
It's also partly because everything is so new. Perhaps you've babysat or nannied, but when it's the first time taking care of your own baby 24/7, there's a lot of brand new experiences. And why would you be good at something you've never done before? (Even if this isn't your first baby, you've never taken care of this newborn at the same time as raising your other kid(s).)
It's easy to feel like you're just never doing enough and what you're doing, you're not doing well enough. It is natural to feel like you're not measuring up to the ideal mom you planned to be.
As a mom, you often don't see the value in what you're doing. When at first it was really difficult to breastfeed, but then you can eventually latch smoothly. When at first it took an hour to bathe your baby, but eventually you can do it while also helping your toddler with his big emotions. You don't always notice how incredible it is -- how you keep trying, keep learning, and keep figuring things out. Because there's always more to master.
My favorite way to see how capable I'm becoming is to go do an errand with all the kids except one. If my oldest is at a friend's house, or my husband is home with the baby and we all go grocery shopping, it's CRAZY how much easier it is. Kids keep you on your toes. There are so many challenges that you are navigating all day, every day. So many things you're successfully figuring out. Your capacity really is growing in such a beautiful way.
3. The power of intentional thinking.
Motherhood is hard. I believe that everything truly fulfilling is. I believe that the challenge is a major part of why it's fulfilling. Take childbirth for example. Would we really love our kids as much as we do if we didn't have to sacrifice and go through discomfort and pain to get them here? Would they be as precious to us? Would we be as motivated to keep them safe and take good care of them?
While all that is true, we make motherhood much harder for ourselves than it needs to be by the way we think about it.
Thoughts create feelings, which drive our actions. We want to feel good. But we don't often choose thoughts that help us with that goal.
A lot of that frustration, stress, overwhelm, etc that I mentioned at the beginning of this post came from thoughts I chose to think over and over. Many thoughts, but with the overall message of "I'm doing it wrong." I compared myself to other moms who seemed to have it all together. I compared myself with the virtues I saw and remembered from my own mom and how she raised me. I had this ideal mom in my head that I thought I was supposed to be. A mom who never yelled or even got mad or frustrated. She was always grateful to be a mom, always put her baby first, was kind, loving, and 100% present with her baby. She was selfless and confident and knew what to do.
So when reality was VERY different from all of that, I thought I was doing wrong. That I was existing wrong, as a mom. And this filled me with shame.
It wasn't until I found life-coaching in 2021 that a talented and incredible coach, Molly Cash, suggested something to me that I hadn't considered but that changed everything for me.
There are a million ways to be a good mom.
I realized that my mom was great for me. She was the mom I needed. She did a lot of things beautifully AND a lot of things were a mess. And that was ok- that was how it was supposed to be.
But I didn't need to be like her. Or my sister. Or the moms I was seeing on social media. If they inspired me to be better, it was fine to follow their examples and advice.
But.
I wasn't broken.
I wasn't doing it wrong.
I was learning- carving out my own way to be a mom.
There were parts of it I was naturally already great at. There were parts I could abandon. There were parts I could keep working at.
There are a million ways to be a good mom. My way was good too.
I had no idea how powerful my own thoughts were over my own feelings, actions, results, life, experience. I had no idea how much control I really did have over my own life.
That is the shortcut, my friend. It's not a quick fix, but it is powerful. It takes work. As you have the support of a non-judgmental, good coach, you are essentially rewiring the brain. You are choosing intentionally how you want to see the world, how you want to feel, and what you want to do with your life. You can become willing to believe that you don't have to wait until your kids are much older and you're much more experienced to become confident and have joy more often.
Is there even a small part of you that believes you could become more confident, joyful, and fulfilled in your motherhood now, before they're grown?
If so, that's a sign to try something new. DM me on Instagram (@douladiane) and we'll set up a free 30 min zoom call to get started. I'm a life coach who delights in showing moms how powerful they can truly be over their own experience.
I asked one of my clients who had never tried coaching before what she got out of our sessions together. She said, "I would say it was one of the best decisions I made for myself. It made a world of difference for me and my mental health. I have seen myself become more confident in my abilities as a mom and more comfortable with the day to day chaos. I've also gotten better at navigating my emotions."
Motherhood gets better when we take back control over how we think and feel. It truly does have miraculous results. Can't wait to help you discover it!
See you next week on the blog, my friend!
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