I’ve been a mama for almost 10 years, and over that time have found some resources I wish I had known about from the beginning! These are a few of my favorite things that help me feel supported in this important and sometimes seemingly-impossible role as a mother.
Life coaching
I was a total skeptic at first. I thought that life coaching was something only rich people do, I tend to be suspicious of trendy things, and also, who has everything so figured out that they can claim to be the authority on “Life”? But now I’m hooked, my friends, and for good reason.
Life coaching is called that because it can help with every and any aspect of your life. It is a way of being intentional about your thinking, which in turn influences your feelings, actions, and results. It is a way of becoming emotionally intelligent.
I discovered life coaching about two years ago, when I was having such a turbulent time in my life that I would try just about anything. I joined a program called “Be Bold” (now it’s called “The Lab”) by Jody Moore. Being in her program has helped me tremendously. I have had such a more vibrant life and become much more the mom and person I want to be with all I have learned. If I could give every new mom one thing, and money was no object, I would buy them one year of Jody’s program. It’s like a gym membership for your mental and emotional health.
Want to get a taste for free? Check out Jody’s podcast: Better than Happy.
Kid swaps
This is a simple and free thing to do that may save your sanity. Find a mom with a similar number of kids, or simply a mom you jive well with who is interested in a kid swap. Offer to watch her kids for a 2-3 hour chunk in exchange for her watching yours another time that week. If this can become a regular thing, and you can count on one day a week that someone else will watch your kids, it can be so rejuvenating. When you are raising littles, it is so easy to find yourself with unfinished projects, endless To-Do lists, and resentment when you don’t feel like a real person anymore. Having a kid swap means you can count on that time to start and complete something uninterrupted, run errands stress-free, or take a much-deserved nap. Use the time any way you choose, and really make the most of it. Doing this regularly will help you feel more balanced and happy.
And when you regularly swap with another mom, you are giving this gift to her. She doesn’t need to feel indebted to you because it’s a trade. And you may find your kids enjoy the play-date with the other kids and they entertain each other for a while, allowing you two days with some productivity. It’s a win win win.
Postpartum plans
Being very intentional about the postpartum time can help you tremendously. If you’re pregnant, you may have family and friends who offer to help once the baby comes. Take them up on it! Write a list of all the things you would need help with if your only focus was on your healing and bonding with your newborn. That’s a lot of things! Laundry, dishes, meals, housecleaning, driving other kids to their commitments and activities, childcare, community obligations, to name a few. Even answering texts, phone calls, or emails, or organizing your schedule can be stressful especially if you’re not getting much sleep and feel overwhelmed with all the demands of the newborn phase. When someone asks if they can help, the answer is “yes” and then a specific request. “Could you walk my dog every Tuesday and Thursday for the first 3 weeks?” Or “Yes, could you take my kids to school for the first month?”
Even if you’re feeling better than anticipated and can do more than what your plan entails, it is so much easier to cancel your babysitter/ house cleaner/ laundry-doer/etc. than finding one on the spot. And it may be hard to find help in those moments with thoughts that you shouldn’t need any help, you should be able to do it all (which are so commonly believed by postpartum moms in our culture). When you’re pregnant, give your future self the gift of peace of mind and a good plan. Really take care of that future you. You will not regret it.
Nickel auctions
These are just fun. A group gets together, bringing all the stuff they are done with. A lot of times this includes clothing, but can also be toys, kitchen gadgets, really anything goes. The person who hosts the auction goes first. She shows her items to the group one by one. If the audience stays quiet, she moves on, and the item ends up back into a trash bag to donate to the thrift store. But if someone says “5”, that means they want it, and will pay a nickel for it. Sometimes people bid higher and higher, but usually it doesn’t get higher than a few dollars. Usually the showing of the items goes pretty quickly- just a few seconds per item.
This is a great way to make a little (really not much, but some is better than none, eh?) money off of your items that you’re through with, find new treasures for dirt cheap, and be together having fun with other people in the community.
At the end of the night, all the unwanted items (which are now in trash bags or boxes) are piled into the host’s vehicle to donate to the thrift store the next day, no longer cluttering your home (‘I really need to take that sometime…’).
Pelvic floor therapy
Many first-time moms have never heard of pelvic floor therapy, and may not know what their pelvic floor is or why they’d need therapy for it. I don’t actually have personal experience with going to a pelvic floor therapist more than one consultation, but it is something I plan to do. Jokes are often made about how moms can no longer jump on the trampoline, cough, run, or anything like that without peeing themselves a little. I feel like as a society we accept this loss of dignity as just the way of it and one of the many sacrifices we make in becoming mothers. But pelvic floor therapy can strengthen those muscles to help prevent those little pee accidents, and also make intimacy more enjoyable, and future childbirth experiences more empowering and better all around.
Book clubs (or Netflix clubs!)
Your neighborhood or community might have some book clubs or other groups to join. It is amazing what being part of a regular club or activity can do for your mental health and overall well-being. To have a place and time set aside to talk with other adults, to learn something new, to let yourself care about something other than what is for dinner or the best ways to support your kids, all of those benefits will help you feel like a real person. Sometimes I’ve felt guilty in book clubs because I don’t keep up with the group in reading the book fast enough, so it just became one more thing I felt like I wasn’t doing well enough. So if reading isn’t your thing, or at least it isn’t right now in your life, join a podcast group, a Netflix club, a walking group, or a bible study group. Something that regularly keeps you meeting with people who will soon become your friends.
And if you can’t find the group that seems to fit what you’re looking for, start your own! Take initiative and be the one. I recommend doing something consistently at a set time and place every week.
Another idea that I haven’t tried, but my sister thought up, is a project group. Three or four moms could rotate - one could watch all the kids, and the others could help each other with a big project they want to get done. It’s fun to help someone else organize their pantry or paint their walls (etc: the possibilities are endless!) and sometimes you need help to get something like that done.
Church
This one may not be the most popular choice of topic, but I keep thinking about how going to church regularly has been the thing that has helped me thrive the most as a mother and a person in general. I went to church regularly even when I was a first-time-mom, but I think I appreciate it much more now. To stay connected to a higher being (I call it God) has blessed every aspect of my life. Not only do I find that connection powerful, but the connections I make with other members of the congregation (we call each other “Brother” and “Sister”) is deeply strengthening too and keeps me going throughout the week. Going to church leaves me feeling rejuvenated and like I can keep doing this mom thing.
If you aren’t sure what church would be right for you, try the one I go to! The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They are very welcoming to visitors!
I hope this post has helped you think of some ways that you can thrive in motherhood, and treat yourself like a real person. And as a side-effect of that, you will like the mom you are becoming even more.