Self-care is a hot topic these days- some think it's selfish, some think moms are doormats if they don't do enough of it. Mom-guilt almost always shows up somewhere in the conversation.
Over the decade+ that I have been a mother, my opinions and actions regarding self-care have evolved tremendously.
I came into motherhood believing many less-than-helpful ideas. I'm not sure how many of them were cultural, or just created by my own crazy ideals of what a "good mom" looked like.
Ideas like
- To be a good mom, you should be present 100% of the time.
- Baby's needs come first only every time.
- Don't ask for help. Don't tell anyone you're struggling.
- The worst thing you could be is selfish and irresponsible.
- "Self-care" is selfish. You've signed up for this life, these expectations, by having a child. The time for you to have your own dreams, wants, interests is past. Maybe you'll be able to again when your youngest is 18.
- Hobbies are ok IF they directly benefit your baby (example- I sewed her a baby quilt and some clothes).
These all seem pretty extreme. But that was my world view. You can see why postpartum depression gripped me, and why I had daily frustrations with myself not-measuring-up to my ideals.
It took a long time and another baby before I started loosening these beliefs. What a relief that I finally did. I still value being involved and present with my kids, helping and serving them, independence and hard work, and selflessness, but I now can see how I can live my values in a way that shows up for me too, not just for them.
What I Thought Self-Care Meant
I'd hear people talking about self-care, and part of me started to think maybe it was "allowed" or even something I should be doing, you know, just so my cup was full enough to fill my kids' cups. But I thought self-care meant massages, spa days, going out to lunch with a friend, or a girls' trip... and all of those seemed too expensive and would go against my "be present 100% of the time" rule that I still thought I should be following. It's interesting to look back on, because I had tremendous mom-guilt about this. I couldn't win. Because if I wasn't doing "self-care", I was doing something wrong, but if I did, I was being frivolous with money and time, and feeling bad the whole time I wasn't there with my kids. Self-care was something the experts told me should be on my to-do list, yet it felt morally wrong.
Over time, I loosened up more still, probably because I had more kids and just learned to stop taking everything so seriously all the time. I made time to go out to lunch with a friend occasionally, or go on a shopping spree at the thrift store. But I'd never try a massage or a trip or anything fancy. And when I went to Target while my kids were home with their dad, I would feel bad the whole time, worried I was "taking too long".
Finally, through life-coaching and more life experience, I learned that self-care comes down to one simple concept. It's not about money or time away from kids. It's not about morals or selfishness or what someone else tells you to do to fill your own cup.
The Real Definition of Self-Care
Self-care becomes easy and the way to do it becomes clear when you decide one thing.
What does a baby need? Warmth, food, comfort, connection, safety, someone to clean them.
What does their mom need? The same things.
What does a toddler need? The same things as a baby, along with their agency to be respected as they explore independence. Also more social interaction and entertaining. And a guide as they learn to handle big emotions.
What does their mom need? The same things.
What does a school-aged kid need? The same things as a toddler, along with friends, mental stimulation, space to make mistakes and learn. They need to feel useful and important, and to gain skills that stretch them and fulfill them.
What does their mom need? The same things.
I would keep going with teenagers and adult children, but it would just be speculation as my kids haven't reached those ages yet.
What Does This Look Like in Real Life?
The following list explores some ideas, some things I've tried to better care for myself. I don't know exactly what you need, but as you start to consider that you are worth taking care of (remember? If there's ONE THING I hope you get out of this post, it would be that), and not just so you can have the energy and capacity to take care of your kids, but because you are a human with the same worth as your baby or anybody else, you'll be able to figure out what your needs are, and how to "do self-care" in a way that works for you. Just so you can see that self-care doesn't have to be expensive, I put a star by the suggestion if it could be free.
Daily Simple Habits
- *Listen to your body cues: stop eating when full, go to bed when tired, etc.
- *Fill up a water bottle or cup and put it on the counter in the morning. Every time you walk past, drink some.
- *When you get the kids a snack, get yourself one too. Don't just eat on the go or eat their leftovers like a human garbage disposal.
- *Make a list of what you value and what you really want. Then turn your list into month-long goals to help you achieve what you really want.
- *Say “no” more, if you don’t want to do something. Be more honest about what you are willing to do. Have your own back.
- *Move your body every day, even if it's just dancing in the kitchen for 3 minutes to an upbeat song while you do the dishes.
- *When you shower, let yourself stay in a little longer. A friend of mine called this time her "vacation". Also, make a point to go on vacation sometimes, not only fantasize about it. (That part would cost money, of course.)
Lighthearted Fun
- Celebrate your birthday for an entire month. Don’t expect your loved ones to read your mind and give you the perfect birthday. Make it great, yourself! This can be little things or big things. Plan ahead and really make it a big deal, if you like big deals.
- Plan a trip, even if it's 5 years away (and even if things change and you *never end up actually doing it). They say the anticipation of a trip is incredibly effective at helping you feel more joy.
- *Journal. But instead of writing just what you did that day, answer prompts like these
- What do I like most about me?
- What brings me joy?
- What kind of grandma do I think I'll be someday?
- How can I feel more like this mom-thing is my dream job?
- What do I secretly really want (and as you write, don't judge yourself!)?
- *One way that I personally find self-care is in serving and connecting with strangers. In following an impulse or prompting to do something kind. Offering a ride, holding a door, giving a compliment even if I'm scared they'll judge me. I've never seen the downside of doing this- either they receive it well, or I have a funny story to tell my husband later about how awkward it was!
Becoming Your Own Best Friend
- *Plan something you love to do once a month or once a week or once a day
- *When you criticize yourself internally, challenge those thoughts. Is that how you would treat a friend?
- *Decide you are enough, just as you are. If you make progress, make it because of love. Don’t despise yourself into changing.
- *Have little conversations with yourself in the mirror every day. Thank yourself for those thankless tasks you're always doing. Promise to have your own back if you're about to go through something hard.
Investing in Yourself (with some money and/or time)
- Make that appointment you know will help you feel better. Like therapy, life-coaching, pelvic floor physical therapy, chiropractor, dentist, doctor, etc.
- Invest in a life-coach. You can have a free session with me, if you'd like to try it out. 30 minutes over zoom. No topic too big or too small. For me, this is extremely self-caring... I always feel so much relief after I get coached.
- Invest in Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy. I was amazed how much it healed me, not only physically, but emotionally too from birth trauma and mental health stuff related to intimacy. It brings confidence and gives you your dignity back! (Imagine running, jumping, sneezing, and never leaking again.)
- Try a community class to learn a new skill you're interested in. When I was in 8th grade I really enjoyed an art class, but then I had never taken one since. My husband knew I was curious about learning more and insisted I take an art class when I was about 30. It was amazing. It was good for me to have that regular break from the kids, and to work on something that had nothing to do with them (though I ended up drawing them a lot!). Something just to explore being me as a person, and not necessarily as a mom. Even if you don't have a husband nudging you to try new things, you can nudge yourself! What would you like to try? What are you curious about? Let yourself do it, and have "because I kind of want to" enough of a reason.
Just a couple of my sketches from that class! 2021
Connection
- *Lean into spirituality more. Find joy in a higher power being aware of and loving you.
- *Join a community. A book club, a Netflix club, a walking group, a coaching program (I recommend Jody Moore’s The Lab- I’m a member!)
- *Kid-swaps. I've talked about this on this blog before. Find a friend who has little kids too, preferably ones who get along well with your kids. And then once a week or so, you watch her kids for 3ish hours, and then later on in the week she watches yours.
- Free babysitting
- Her kids will help entertain your kids
- You know you can count on some time for yourself, and use it however you want. This kind of uninterrupted time doesn't often happen as a mom, and I think it's a beautiful thing to give that to ourselves and another mom once in a while.
It's Your Turn
As you take care of yourself in big, expensive ways if you want to, and small, ordinary ways every day, as you see yourself as someone worth caring for, and realize it's your job to do that, you will become your own best friend. And you will think of yourself as awfully good company. You will enjoy having new ideas and thoughts instead of being afraid to be alone with them and instantly getting on your phone to scroll. You will take your own dreams and desires seriously and make them happen (This reminds me of a great book I've read, You on Purpose: Rocking This Earth-Life Thing While Becoming the Person of Your Dreams by Susie McGann. I need to reread that one!). You will be free of the lie that your whole purpose now and for the rest of your life is to sacrifice everything to make others comfortable and happy. Maybe, like me, you won't even recognize yourself because you'll improve every aspect of your life so much more.
Life coaching taught me these concepts and helped me do what I just described. I'm having so much fun with it and can't wait to see the next version of me as I continue to be more compassionate, more loving, and truly care for myself in new ways.
And the ironic part? When we start doing it, we become better moms to our kids, kind of as a side-effect. Because we're no longer too overwhelmed, jaded, resentful. We're taking care of our own needs, and giving ourselves the gift of energy and capacity to be the moms we want to be.
If you want help getting started with all this, snag that free life-coaching session with me and I'll walk you through it. It won't happen instantly, but you can have relief and some wins right away. Why wait another day for your best life?
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