I was recently watching a Bluey episode with my kids, which is a show that often prompts me to have the thought, ‘I have never felt so seen as a mom.’ It was the episode called Omelette (S3E5) and I could feel the struggle. The mum has good intentions- she just wants to make her husband a birthday breakfast-in-bed and is confident she can accomplish this simple task quickly to avoid him becoming hangry, but her littles want to help and her patience, as well as his, are tested.
As I watched, I related so much to her plight, although for me I rarely behave as my favorite version of myself (I recently saw a post about saying "favorite version of myself" instead of "best version" and I love it!) in this sort of a situation. Often I end up overwhelmed, losing my temper, and quitting all my good intentions.
Cue the mom guilt.
Mom guilt can start insanely early. Often it starts before the baby is even born. Our culture seems to value babies and their well-being above that of mothers. Therefore, once you get pregnant, all of a sudden there are all these rules. Don't eat sushi. Don't enjoy a hot tub. Exercise, but not too much. Have lots and lots of water. Take about a thousand vitamins and supplements every day. Don't go too far over your sacred "due date." Some of these rules can be difficult to follow to the letter, especially if you lived quite differently before the pregnancy. And if the rules aren't followed? Mom guilt.
Why is it referred to as "mom guilt" and not just guilt? I think there's a lot of societal expectations of what it means to be a "good mom". I think the weight of bringing another human being into this world (pun intended) and raising them feels really serious. Our biggest fear is that we'll "mess this kid up." Ironically, it's in our trying to stop that from happening that sometimes we complicate things the most.
I have been a mom for 10 years, and it's only recently in the last year or so (thanks to the power of life coaching!) that I have started to lighten up about a lot of things. I used to ask loved ones for advice, consult Pinterest and Google, read so many parenting books and blogs, and stress out that I wasn't perfect at pediatrician recommendations about all kinds of things. I would second-guess many if not all of my parenting decisions all the time. This was SO exhausting. And I felt a lot of guilt.
More recently, as a postpartum doula, I was surprised to see how early the mom guilt was very real for one of my clients with her first baby. The baby was brand new, and the mom spent hours and hours each day caring for him. Her husband worked from home and would occasionally be able to take a break or at the end of his work day spend more time with them. He always seemed excited to see their baby. Soon she began to compare her reactions with his. She felt he was a better parent because he was always thrilled to see and interact with the baby, whereas she had moments like that but mostly was feeling the monotony of the routines of motherhood. What she wasn't remembering was how she was with the baby almost all of the time without those breaks that her husband had. It was apples and oranges- silly to compare, and yet, she was. And the result was mom guilt.
Mom guilt feeds off of comparison. We compare ourselves to other moms (especially our own or our sisters). We compare ourselves with moms at church. Or with strangers on social media who seem to have it all together. Or even with a made-up version of this perfect mom we think we should be. We don't consider how their circumstances are different from ours, or even that what we see in the posts and how others present themselves leave a lot of the truth of how and who they really are out. There is no vulnerability, except what is within ourselves- those insecurities that we know too well. We are comparing our worst with their best. (And in the case of the comparison with the made-up version of the perfect mom, we're comparing our worst with something that isn't even real at all!)
Comparison is so easy to do. Mom guilt is so easy to have. But they are based off of lies, and not helpful in the slightest. Guilt does not motivate us to be our favorite versions of ourselves.
The thing about mom guilt is you can't win no matter what you choose. Your brain is looking for evidence that you're not a good enough mom, and it will find it no matter what you do. For example, my youngest is 2 months old, and today my 10-year-old asked to go to the library. I denied her request, feeling I'd rather be home with my newborn and I probably shouldn't be doing a lot of errands. But then I felt guilty for not being a fun mom to my 10-year-old. If we had gone to the library, I probably would've felt bad to not be home, doing skin-to-skin with the 2-month-old and available to easily breastfeed her whenever she wanted. I would've thought about how it goes so fast and I was missing the newborn phase that I'll never get back with my busier day. See how either way, I can't win?
So how do we stop the mom guilt?
For many of us it is a habit to be thinking in these destructive ways, but that doesn't mean we can't challenge the guilty thoughts.
First, and so easy, notice anytime you think the word "should", and consider changing that word. You could use "could", "want to", "will," "won't", etc. I "could" continue trying to breastfeed. I "want to" figure out how to teach my children to do more chores. These other words lead to empowerment instead of guilt.
Second, start repairing the relationship you have with yourself. Think about whatever you're feeling guilty about, and then pretend you're listening to your friend telling you about it. As soon as you do that, you're able to find compassion for yourself instead of criticism and judgment. It seems a little corny, but I've been telling my reflection in the mirror "I love you. What do you need today? How can I help you today?" every day lately, and sometimes throughout the day I continue to think in this way toward myself. Instead of guilt I feel love. I've really noticed a change in my whole day and how I parent and everything else just from this simple adjustment.
Third, there is so much power in gratitude! Instead of feeling mom guilt about screens, for example, what if you felt grateful that it was an option to give yourself a break? What if you felt grateful for the variety of educational shows you can put on for your kids. What if you felt grateful to yourself for the many things you've done today and acceptance that you need a break. In everything you feel guilty about, gratitude can be found. And be grateful toward yourself. You do more for your kids and your household than you even realize.
I promise that doing these things will help you see the bigger picture, help you feel lighter, help you be your favorite version of yourself much more often.
Feeling mom guilt doesn't make you a good mom.
It makes you a miserable mom.
Time to let it go.
Do you want a little help letting it go?
Do you want to feel more empowered in your motherhood?
I'd love to coach you; I love you already!