Grief. Gratitude.
Overwhelmed. Overjoyed.
Excited. Exhausted.
Thoroughly disappointed. Thrilled.
Bonding. Burdened.
Struggling. Strong.
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I have fallen in love so hard with my baby girl. Ever since she was born about two months ago I have enjoyed her every single day. From the moment she came out of me we bonded beautifully, and every single day I thank heaven for her life and that I'm lucky enough to be her mom.
But.
More than nine months ago, in fact more than three years ago, I had a strong desire for another baby. And I just knew it would be a little boy.
He would've been named Maxwell. I imagined him for more than 700 days.
When I got pregnant, I decided I didn't want to know the gender of this baby until they were born. My kids were all convinced it was a boy. After all, with a family of girl, boy, girl, and girl, it was time.
And when I met and first held my baby immediately after birth, and checked and announced the gender myself, I felt completely fine that it was a girl. Satisfied.
But now, about two months later, I grieve a little.
I grieve for that little boy who most likely never will be.
I went to the storage room to try to minimize and as I picked up those little onesies that my son had worn seven years ago, I realized they'd never be used again by us. And the tears came.
We think of birth and having a new precious baby as so joyful, and it truly can be. But sometimes grief is felt in the same breath. Grief for a past pregnancy that ended in miscarriage or stillbirth. Grief for the ease of life before becoming a mom. Grief about the parts of motherhood that couldn't have been anticipated and feel so rotten and tough. For me, this time: grief for little Maxwell who I don't get to raise. It doesn't mean I'm not grateful for my little girl. It doesn't mean I wish she was a boy. And for me, it doesn't mean I'll be having babies until I have another boy, either.
When emotions are complicated, when you feel conflicting things, when half or more of those feelings are negative, please remember:
You are right on track.
And when those harder emotions come up, don't sweep them under the rug, or assume you have postpartum depression, or try to force yourself to be grateful or happy and disregard them. They need to be heard. It is very normal to have a beautifully complicated experience. There is nothing wrong with you.
Two things can be true at the same time.
Heartache. Hope.
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