You have a new baby in the house and you hear yourself telling your other child/ren, or your spouse, or anyone who wants to hold the baby (or at least thinking) "Be careful! Be gentle!"
Of course we see that new little one as precious and needing a great deal of care and gentleness. But what about you, the new mom? Do you consider how much gentleness you may require?
Here are five ways you could be more gentle with yourself:
1. Your movements
No matter how that baby came into this world: natural childbirth, epidural, C-section, early, late, induced, whatever, your body went through a lot to carry them and birth them. And you'll be going through a lot of healing afterwards.
Be gentle with yourself in the way you move. Move slowly. Don't lift if you don't need to. Take it waaaaay easy.
The day will come when you'll be able to jog and carry and sprint. But right now, even if you want to, take it down a notch. Don't rush it.
If you notice your postpartum bleeding (lochia) increases, your body is indicating that you are not taking it easy enough. You have a wound inside of you where the placenta detached itself. You need rest and gentle movement to heal. Listen to the wisdom of your body. Slow down. "Normal" life can wait.
2. Your expectations
I know. You want to be a good mom. You've planned out in your head how you'll be. The mom who does XY and Z. The mom who certainly isn't lazy. The mom who has it all together. Now it's time to let all of that nonsense go.
Why would you be great at this when it's your first time doing it? You're exhausted, recovering from pregnancy and childbirth, and not getting enough sleep as you care for that baby around the clock. So many transitions are happening right now. If you find yourself not meeting your expectations (which are just made up, by the way), you're fine. Now is not the time to expect so much of yourself. You will grow into the mom you want to be, eventually, in time. Like a crescendo in music. Right now, give yourself the benefit of the doubt and again, listen to your body. Rest, slow down, and don't expect yourself to do all the things yet.
3. Your time
"How long is postpartum?", many moms wonder. "When will I feel 'back to normal' again?" The truth is, it's different for every mom, every time. You may feel better in a few weeks, months, or years. It is too complicated a thing to just put a time limit on it.
If you're frustrated because it's been longer than you thought it should take for you to feel like you're thriving, let go of those expectations. It's taking longer for you this time, and that's ok.
Think ahead to yourself a year from now, or 5, or 10, or 50. What would future-you say to you? I think she'd want you to slow down, heal properly, and not worry about the small things. She'd want you to stop being so hard on yourself. To take your sweet time figuring all of this out.
Oh, and "back to normal" isn't a thing. Your world is forever changed. We don't "bounce back" in this motherhood business. We become acquainted with the new version of us.
4. Your words
Be gentle when you glance at yourself in the mirror. Do you think you are too chubby, and that you should've lost the baby weight by now? Actually, it would be pretty weird if you had. That postpartum tummy is totally normal, considering how much baby, placenta, blood, and liquid you carried. Those circles under your eyes? They are a beautiful indication of the sacrifices you're making to nourish and nurture your baby. The stretch marks? Proof that you loved someone enough to allow them to grow inside of you.
Whatever it is about your body (or mind or personality) that is frustrating you, maybe you could show yourself some gentleness here, as well. Talk to yourself like you would a best friend. With compassion.
Question the criticism that goes through your mind throughout the day, accusing you of doing things wrong. Remind yourself how many ways there are to be a good mom, and that you're finding YOUR way.
You are always with you. How much peace would you feel if you could just be ok with you? Accept you for where you're at and stop trying to get you to be a different person so fast?
5. Your past
Parenting brings up a lot of stuff from the past-- unhealed wounds. You think about how you were raised and your relationship with your own parents. You put pressure on yourself to do things like they did (or definitely not like they did). You suddenly have this small person who needs you, and often you can neglect caring for yourself.
It is such a good practice to notice when those insecurities come up. Is there something you didn't get in the past? Some love or attention you missed out on? Don't just shove these feelings and thoughts down- they will continue to come up for you in parenting. Address them through therapy, journaling, life coaching, meditation, foot zoning, however you need to. As you heal your inner-child, you will become the kind of parent you want to be for your own children.
This concept is sort of mind-blowing to me, but I think very true: really the only validation you need and truly want is your own. (Jody Moore talks about this in her podcast: Better than Happy). So it's time to validate you. You protected and nourished that baby as you grew it inside of you for 9ish months. You birthed that baby. And now you do SO MUCH to care for that baby. Thank you. And thank yourself every day for your efforts.
Do you like this content? Email holdthemom@gmail.com to get on a waitlist for my next online postpartum masterclass!