Memorize it

 I used to be lost somewhere in the fog of sleepy new motherhood. I made note of every new milestone, took endless photos, and vowed I would never forget the sweet sounds and sights of my newborn. After all, “it goes so fast” was something people just said, but for me, it wouldn’t. Because it couldn’t. Because that wouldn’t be fair. 

I admit, parts of the experience I couldn’t wait to be done with. The up-all-nights, the blow-outs, and the insecurity of early parenting (am I holding her too much? Won’t that forever spoil her?) were things I wanted to fly by. They morphed into different flavors of the same frustrations: still-up-all-nights, potty-training power struggles, and more insecurity of now not-as-early parenting (do I interrupt this tantrum with a bribe, or wait it out??). And then all of that morphed into STILL up-all-nights, bed-wetting (and even worse: cleaning up vomit in the middle of the night),  and more insecurity with myself and how I parented. And so it went on and on and on, and that part of it didn’t seem to be going so fast at all.

It took me a long time, and I always hated when people reminded me “it goes so fast”, because I felt the few and far-between beautiful moments of parenting were being stolen, slipping away. But finally I found something that worked for me, to actually do that other part of the cliche phrase and “enjoy it”. It’s simple, yet profound. And that is,

Memorize it.

When things feel easy for a moment, when we’re laughing and having fun, when I feel love and compassion instead of frustration, notice and intentionally memorize it.

And so I do. I save a little bit of that blissful feeling in a metaphorical jar, and memorize it.

Now I want you parents of newborns to know, that feeling that you have when your tiny baby is nuzzled into your chest and you’re filled with love does not have to be gone when they stop falling asleep there. I had it tonight.

We’re on a vacation and I had my six-year-old and three-year-old sitting in my lap - the three of us wrapped in a deliciously comfortable blanket. I was leaning back,  looking straight up at the dark sky, which had only shown a few of the brightest stars, but thanks to a Divine shift in clouds was now revealing maybe thousands. It was like what had happened to me when that sleepy new fog of motherhood eventually blew away, allowing me a glimpse of all the depth and profound beauty that motherhood really offers.

In that moment of miraculous beauty,  I just held my girls, allowed myself to be filled with love, and I breathed deep and did what I always do now when things are good or funny or beautiful. And I intentionally memorized it.

That feeling of love does not have to go away, even when they aren’t brand new. I feel it strongly on occasion for each of them- sometimes individually, sometimes as a group. And I hope and plan to feel that love for them as they grow, even when they’re fully grown. I think it won’t be impossible.

Because I memorized it. And continue to do so.

And you can too.

Start today.

You’re allowed to feel peace and love to a very deep level in parenting. Claim it, keep it, treasure it.

Just memorize it.



If you like this blog, share it with another mom you care about. Especially a new or first-time mom. They need to know that motherhood isn’t just hard or impossible. They need to learn to memorize it.