"This isn't what I signed up for."
Have you ever had that thought?
For me, I had really wanted kids when I first got married. And I knew just how it would go. They'd be adorable, of course. And brilliant. I would raise them responsibly and well. And their behavior would reflect my excellent parenting. They'd always be clean and have brushed hair. They'd be polite and obedient. They'd respect me and my husband and all adults in general. They'd prefer reading over TV, and I'd never ever yell at them. Because they wouldn't ever do anything that demanded that I yell.
I used to see those moms who seemed distracted or stressed in the grocery store with their out-of-control zoo and think "When I'm a mom, I'll never be like that."
Welp, I was wrong. So so very wrong. I've eaten those words many times.
Even when I had only one kid, I felt stressed about her crying and not being able to immediately make it stop (especially if we were in public). I felt like it was my job to control her behavior, and if she fussed she'd be considered a bad baby and it would be reflected on me as a bad mom. And then when she got older, and tantrums started, and I had more children, well, let's just say I became the exact mom I used to judge.
The problem was, I was STILL under the impression that my children's behavior reflected my parenting. And that there was something wrong with negative emotion and expressing it. I thought I could and should control my kids.
And then I would play the victim at times, and have that disempowering thought, "this isn't what I signed up for." It wasn't the life I envisioned for myself. Why did I feel resentful all the time? Why did I feel suffocated by motherhood? Where was any ounce of freedom I used to enjoy? Who the heck was I any more?
It has taken me TEN YEARS to finally start to realize that I can't and really truly don't want to control my kids. They need me to love them, not control them. I can't even control what happens to them. They may get hurt. They sometimes do. And it isn't my job to stop anything bad from happening to them. All I can control is myself. And if I learn how to do that, I can finally start finding peace in it all.
My kids are so different from how I expected and wanted them to be, back before I had them. I am so different from the kind of mom I thought was a "good mom". Some days and weeks and months are very challenging, and I find myself feeling bitter, disappointed, and victim-y again. But I do have those moments, those "memorizable" moments, where I see more clearly what we all are learning, and who we are becoming.
There is opposition in all things. Motherhood was never meant to be simple or easy. Anything truly worthwhile is also very challenging.
So if you find yourself with that thought, "this isn't what I signed up for" or any version of it, have some compassion for yourself and where you're at. You're disappointed. You feel jaded. You wish things or people (maybe including yourself) could be different. And then take a breath, and consider that this is exactly what you signed up for. And it's stretching you into the person you're meant to be.
Growth is never comfortable.
I know it's hard.
But also you underestimate yourself.
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