We know that bonding with your newborn is important. And we see constant reminders of how easy it seems to be for everyone else. Every time someone you know has a baby, their social media is full of photos of mom snuggling baby or captions like "We couldn't be more in love with our little pumpkin.😍"
Sometimes this is totally genuine, and that's wonderful. But some moms, sometimes, have a harder time bonding with their new baby. This can be hard to admit after 9+ months of carrying that baby plus all the effort, time, and pain to get them here, finally in our arms. And if that's you, that feels really disappointing. And can easily lead to shame.
Here are a few ideas of what can get in the way of bonding, and some strategies for bonding when it doesn't come easily.
Past Birth Trauma
I experienced this first-hand when I had my fourth baby. The moment she was born, I didn't acknowledge her, or feel relief that I was done. They let me hold her but I didn't really connect. It wasn't for more than an hour that I actually took a good look at my baby and introduced myself. This was because of birth trauma I had still been holding onto since my second baby's birth, six years before that. I was able to finally unwind all of that through the beautiful power of life-coaching. Read my post about that here. Because I was intentional and took the time to dig deep and heal from that experience, when I had my fifth (and last) baby, it was the most beautiful bonding I've ever had with no baggage from the past.
And if you haven't had any past births, also consider healing from any past sexual abuse or just trauma in general you may have experienced. These things have a way of coming up when we're feeling most vulnerable (and what is more vulnerable than giving birth?). Trauma of any kind, originating from any source can complicate and get in the way of that bonding that you deserve with your sweet new baby.
Fresh Birth Trauma
Let's be real- right after you give birth you may be recovering from the intensity of the experience and not be quite ready for bonding. If you had a traumatic birth with this baby, it may be that every time you look at them, you have unresolved feelings resurface from that trauma. It's as if your lower brain is saying, "It's because of you that I suffered, it's because of you I have so much healing to do now."
So many new moms blame themselves for their birth trauma, but this still keeps us from bonding as well as we could with our babies. This blame can haunt us forever.
Not Having Mama's Needs Met
Recently I heard one of my favorite coaches, Jody Moore, say something like, "If you're feeling resentful, it's just an indication that you're not getting what you need." She teaches that it is our job to fulfill our own needs!
It's really hard to want to bond with baby or even if you want to, to do so well, when you're feeling so much pain (physically, emotionally, or both). Not to mention when you aren't getting any sleep or you're feeling isolated and confused.
Even though our culture suggests that the only one with the needs is this newborn, the truth is Moms (and Dads) have needs too and it can be tough when the needs aren't even acknowledged, let alone met, because of the more shrill reminder of needs from that crying baby.
So what are some strategies to better bond with baby?
Understanding that This is a Phase
This is the most comforting realization for me with anything I'm struggling with in parenting. But to be specific to the topic, just because it is challenging to bond with your newborn doesn't mean you won't bond with this child. It can take a little time, but your future is bright. Just keep showing up, waking up every day, trying, and you will grow into that bond and that love.
These things feel so big to us because we worry about forever. "What if I NEVER bond with my baby? What if I won't have a good relationship with them because we didn't bond well when they were a baby? What if I'm a bad mom and will always be a bad mom because their early months are a blur of exhaustion and survival mode and I missed it forever?" These are the kinds of thoughts we can expect from our fear-driven brains at times. But this is a phase. Bonding is challenging right now, but that doesn't mean at all that it will be in the future or that it's too late for you or that you're a bad mom.
Self Compassion
If bonding is challenging, I bet you have a lot going on with YOU that needs some attention first. The sooner you can accept where you're at and love yourself no matter what, you'll find the bonding will come sooner as a sort of side-affect from that effort.
You just had a BABY. You had a Mt Everest-type experience, no matter how that birth went. Don't downplay this! You are absolutely incredible and have sacrificed so much. You deserve loads of love and compassion.
And the person you actually want it from the most, is yourself.
Visualizations
Ponder about the kind of relationship you want to have with your baby/ child as they grow. What feelings do you want to have often? The more you think about this and dream of your future, the more likely you will create this for yourself.
I remember helping a postpartum doula client who was struggling with the trenches of newborn life. We did some visualizations where we pictured what her life might look like a year from then. Her little boy would be taking his first steps, happy and bright. She would be feeling great, confident, and grateful. All of the time and effort, all of the sleepless nights, all of the yearning and trying again to be a good mom would be worth it. Dreaming of this helped her see that what she was doing NOW, TODAY was worth it and good enough.
BONUS THOUGHT for those who are curious about a home/birth-center birth:
I've had five babies, and my very best bonding experience was with my youngest. Some of this could've been just because I knew what to expect, and I had support systems in place that I could truly bond with her. But a big factor, I believe, was because I was very picky about my birth-team, including my midwife. This was my only out-of-hospital birth and I felt so safe and supported in every desire I had, including spending time to bond with my baby immediately after birth.
I'm not demonizing hospitals- I had wonderful experiences there too. And I'm not claiming that every out-of-hospital birth can give you the experience like I had. Both in the hospital and out, sometimes there are emergencies and reasons you'd be separated from your baby. But when you intentionally hand-pick your birth team and are on the same page, you are much less likely to have your baby whisked away from you, but instead be able to snuggle and bond in those golden hours which gives you a beautiful foundation for a healing postpartum.
Are you enjoying what you're getting out of this blog? I'd love to help you one-on-one. Get your free consult by emailing holdthemom@gmail.com - and hurry! I only do three of these a week.