If you ask a pregnant mom what she's fearful about when she imagines birth, a common answer?
Tearing.
Sounds awful. Sounds agonizing and terrible and makes anybody cringe.
But do we really need to be so afraid?
I hope that this post can be a refreshing alternative to all the horror stories you might have heard up to now.
[And if you've had a baby and you tore, and it WAS a big deal to you, this post is in no way trying to invalidate your experience. ❤]
4 Things Nobody Ever Told Me About Tearing
1. The actual moment of tearing really isn't that big of a deal.
If tearing occurs, it'll happen after your body works so hard with labor contractions and goes through quite a bit of intensity in the pushing phase. It's possible, maybe even likely, that you wouldn't even notice it happening in the moment that it does (I didn't).
If you tear and it requires stitches, you would be numbed, and the stitches dissolve on their own over the first few weeks after birth. You might be more tender than you would without tearing, but even without tearing your pelvic floor muscles would be tender.
What do you do when you're experiencing pain during postpartum because of tearing? You manage pain how you normally would-- pain medication, cold packs, heating pads. You sit on a donut pillow. You rest more than you think you should need to (every mom needs a lot of rest after birth, no matter if they tear or not).
2. Tearing is Natural
It doesn't always happen (and the severe tears only do 3-7% of the time), but if it does our bodies are excellent at healing and taking care of it.
There's another kind of tearing that happens all the time in our bodies that we don't dramatize a bit. When you work out a new muscle through weight lifting or exercise, it tears. The size of the tear depends on the intensity of the exercise. When you work out one day and then feel sore the next, that is because of those tears in your muscle. And then they heal and get stronger, and then the process repeats the next time you work out that muscle.
Though we don't typically think of birth in this way, having a baby is very intense exercise. Your skin will stretch to allow the head to come out, but it may tear in the process.
3. Tearing can cause an emotional toll.
The pain at the time of the tear may not be the problem. The physical healing may not be much of a problem (depending on the severity, and if you get adequate rest and support). But the emotional pain that could be a consequence may become a problem.
If you're pregnant, imagine you were to tear. What would you make it mean about you?
Would you blame yourself or your body for tearing?
'If only I hadn't pushed so fast...' 'If only I had listened to the midwife as she tried to coach me...'
Would you feel broken as your body heals?
'I'm scarred. I'm ugly. I'm not symmetrical. I feel and look weird down there.'
Would you think of the tearing as a defeat or as a unfair or unjust part of your birth story?
'Not only did I feel afraid, disrespected, and out of control, but at the end of it all I was told I had a severe tear.'
If that were to happen, and if you made it mean any of those or a wide variety of negative things about you or your birth experience, that would be totally understandable, especially when our culture focuses on tearing as a horrific part of childbirth.
But also just remember that those thoughts and stories we tell ourselves about the tearing are optional.
I once thought my stretch marks ugly and regretted not doing everything I could to prevent them, but now see them as evidence that my body is AMAZING and as tokens of love for my five babies (and you couldn't pay me to get rid of them). Tearing doesn't have to mean something negative as we heal. It's an indication of your love and sacrifice for that baby. And it heals, which is pretty remarkable too (thank you, body!).
4. There are great resources out there.
For preventing: Evidence Based Birth. The link goes to a webinar that is GOLD. She mentions positioning- I think that was the biggest reason that the baby pictured above (who was 11 lbs 1 oz at birth) left me with nothing more than a nick- no actual tearing to speak of. I birthed her in a way that felt best to me- on my hands and knees.
For learning immediately after birth how to care for the stitches: the nurses at the hospital or the midwives who attend to you. They should explain everything.
For physical healing (long-term): Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy (I recommend from personal experience Reborn Pelvic Health and Wellness). I have been healed inside and out, emotionally and physically with their amazing care.
For emotional healing: Birth Trauma coach Kim Tanner (even if the tearing happened years ago! Kim is incredible and can help you address, heal, and move on from any kind of birth trauma).
I suggest having a therapist, coach, and/or great emotional support ready so you can talk through those thoughts and feelings you may experience (in #3 above). It's when we keep those beliefs inside that postpartum depression or other obstacles to healing are introduced.
For more education about this (and many other things that would serve you to know about regarding birth and postpartum: this comprehensive, excellent childbirth class Summit Birth Utah; Evidence Based Birth (seriously check it out); The Fourth Trimester by Kimberly Ann Johnson.
A Final Word about Worst-Case Scenarios
I don't know if you noticed how many times I used "if" in this post. Your birth may be totally tear-free.
When we think about birth, we fear the unknown. 'What if my baby were to die?' 'What if I were to die?' 'What if I hemorrhaged?' 'What if my baby has to go to the NICU?' 'What if I tear?'
Our brains like to worry and spin on "what if"s as if that will protect us.
It is SO freeing to just surrender for a minute. Even when we try to control so many aspects of birth, that's not the way of it. The baby may die. You may hemorrhage. You may tear.
I'm not being insensitive here. It is disappointing, sad, agonizing when things go in those directions. But also it's just the way of it sometimes.
Birth is about surrender. Your body knows what to do. No matter what unexpected challenges come during or after it, in spite of or because of it, you will get through.
I sincerely hope that you have more confidence about tearing after this post . That you know you don't need to be afraid. It may or may not happen, but there are ways to heal, people who can help.
And I'm one of those people. If it feels like I'd be a good fit for you during your healing process, remember me when you're in postpartum. I'm a postpartum coach and I support moms as they find themselves and heal after birth. Interested? Simply email holdthemom@gmail.com.
Hold the Mom-- Everyone wants to hold the baby, I'm here to hold YOU. 💕