As soon as she wakes up
"Good morning."
"Hey, thanks for feeding the baby in the night."
"I know you're tired."
"You're such a good mom."
"I'm going to carve out time for you to take a nap this afternoon."
"There will be times today when you feel overstimulated, frustrated, angry. I want you to know that I'll love you anyway. I'll be there for you."
"Let's do this."
"Our job is so important. Thank you so much for getting up and doing it again."
After a breakdown
"Hey honey, that was rough."
"I see you."
"That really pushed you."
"That was a lot."
"That was really frustrating for you. And understandably so."
"You did the best you could."
"It's ok to not be ok right now."
"I've got you."
"I love you no matter what."
"You're safe."
"You're learning and growing."
"Growth is never comfortable."
"You are a human mom, having a human experience."
"Let's stay here a little longer and breathe together. We'll go when you're ready."
"Good moms try again."
As the day comes to a close
"You rocked it today."
"I am so grateful for all you did today."
"Dang, let me just list off all the things you did today!" [start listing specifics]
"Thank you for taking care of my body today."
"Thank you for prioritizing that nap."
"Thank you for helping those kids even though you didn't think you could fulfill one more request."
"You're doing big things."
"You love those kids and they are so lucky to have you."
"I love you."
"I am so glad to be you."
I talk to myself like this while I look in the mirror every day out loud, three (or more) times a day. If I miss a time, I miss it. I miss me.
It wasn't always this way. I grew up feeling very complicated and "loathing" might be the perfect word for how I felt about myself. I avoided eye contact in the mirror at all. I thought I was ugly and worthless and wouldn't amount to much.
I wanted to be someone else. Almost anyone else. I wasn't comfortable with me.
And what a sad way to exist.
We have fond memories of the past, we have hopes for the future. But what about now? How did I go so long without realizing that deep joy and connection was available in the present?
And connection with my kids, husband, friends, is important. I craved it. But the connection that means the very most-- aside from my relationship with God-- was that relationship with me.
The person I have needed validation from the most has been here the whole time.
Will you try it? Start small. Just eye contact. Just "hello." It'll feel weird at first. We don't think of ourselves as real people, worth acknowledgement, and ESPECIALLY as moms, we tend to sacrifice any needs for others. So to rewrite that story for ourselves takes some practice and some time.
Next, just, "Thank you." And be specific. That thing you wish your husband would notice and thank you for? It's time for you to do it. Kids not observing your thoughtfulness? It's your job. You need to start thanking you.
And then when you're sad. Instead of "You shouldn't be feeling bad about that-- it's no big deal." or "What is WRONG with you?!" we all need a little more "Hey. I get it. He asked you for screen time 16 times and you found yourself explaining why the answer was "no" about 6 times. Anyone would've cracked."
The most powerful time I did this was right after a break down. One of those double-lock-the-doors-(my room and then master bathroom)-and-turn-on-the-fan-so-you-don't-hear-the-word-"mom"-one-more-time kind of break downs. I was sobbing, vocalizing, feeling totally crazy just because I had become that overstimulated by my [thoughts about my] kids. But I didn't stay on my knees very long. I got up and looked in the mirror.
My face was red and blotchy and swollen with how hard I'd been crying. It was an image that made me want to think 'ugly crying' or 'dang, girl, get a grip.' but instead I just started talking. And being compassionate and kind. And it meant SO MUCH when I was that vulnerable with myself, to hear myself saying those things.
Isn't this narcissistic?
Nope.
Though our culture allows for rejecting a compliment more than bragging, self deprecation is not actually ok. Humiliation is not humility. It is time for moms to heal that relationship with themselves. And not because then we'll be happy enough to be good moms for our kids. Though that often does happen as a side effect.
Just because you're always going to be with you. And you deserve to have that be your best relationship.
So if you're reading this, it is time to start seeing you as a real person. One who is allowed to get mad sometimes, have bad hair days, have needs, get frustrated, have dreams (and work to make them reality)!
One who is allowed to take up space in this world.
[I want to thank Jody Moore who I think of as a mentor, whose teachings have helped me with many of these ideas. ❤]
Have you tried a free coaching session with me yet? If not, you really should. We can get a jump start on healing your relationship with you. Just email holdthemom@gmail.com !