You guys, I had a pretty hard day.
I coached a client.
I yelled at one of my kids.
I felt resentment towards my husband.
I let my kids watch TV for "way too long".
I had a breakdown in the bathroom. Much crying ensued.
I agonized about what to say in a text to a friend who requested help I didn't want to give, and then never sent it.
All of those events were unrelated.
But all of those events had one thing in common-- what happened immediately after:
Judgment.
And judgment feels TERRIBLE, you guys.
It feels heavy, and dirty, and big.
I'm writing this on the night before Valentine's Day, which is a day that is "supposed to be" romantic, enjoyable, fun. A day to show our loved ones how much we care about them.
But if we're not intentional, it can be spoiled by judgment.
Don't let that happen!
Maybe on Valentine's Day you'll be tempted to have thoughts like some of these:
'He surprised me and got me a gift!' And then before you can even enjoy it a moment: 'Oh no, I should've gotten him a gift (or a better gift)! I'm not thoughtful enough.'
Judgment.
'We finally figured out a babysitter so we could go on a date, and I look disgusting/can't stop thinking about my baby/don't even know what to do with him.'
Judgment.
'I'm so lame- I didn't volunteer to help at the Valentine party at the school.'
Judgment.
'Here we are on Valentine's Day and I'm alone. I'll always be alone. I'm incapable of having a good relationship.'
Judgment.
'I let my kid have too much candy today. I'm such a bad mom.'
Judgment.
'My husband didn't get me anything because I told him I didn't want anything. But I'm mad about it- I wish he had gotten me something just because he loves me, and knows the kinds of things I like. I want to be low maintenance, but I need to know he loves me.'
Judgment.
That last example happened on our first Valentine's Day. Funny story- I complained to my mom about it, who visited my husband at work (he worked at Target back then when we were first married) and advised him to make sure he got a gift for me on our anniversary in May.
We laugh about that one now, but think about it! All those chick flicks, all those gorgeous Hollywood couples, all the public shout-outs to significant others on social media set a huge expectation of what it means to have a healthy relationship. And then comes disappointment when your doesn't measure up.
Mama, he can't read your mind. Just be clear and honest to yourself and to your loved ones what you want and need. On Valentine's Day and every other day.
But back to judgment. What would those same examples sound like, fueled with love instead?
'He chose to show his love by giving me a gift. That was sweet. I am loved. And I showed my love in different ways today. And that's ok.'
Love.
'It's nice to be out on a date. It's been a long time so we're rediscovering our relationship. We keep talking about the baby but that's just because she's our world and we love her. I'm glad we made time to do this.'
Love.
'I just love those moms who chose to volunteer at the school party. And that's not really my thing, so I just love me for not people-pleasing and for choosing not to.'
Love.
'I feel sad to not be in a relationship today when many people are celebrating theirs. I'm going to be extra gentle with me today. I will find someone I want to be with as I'm open to it, and as I keep trying. But today, I'm going to be my own Valentine and make myself a special meal/take a bubble bath/read that book I was looking forward to/get a babysitter to have some me-time because I'm worth taking care of.'
Love.
'I was such a fun mom to let them have that Valentine candy. It's fun to let loose once in a while.'
Love.
'That was a miscommunication when I told him I didn't want anything for Valentines Day and I actually did. I have a hard time communicating my wants and needs sometimes. But I can see now what I actually wanted, and I'm going to start listening to those wants and needs. The day isn't ruined- I'm going to get myself what I would've wanted.'
Love.
This is so powerful when we apply it in every day life as well. Swapping out judgment with love will set you free! And you can use your brain for more interesting and helpful things than spinning on how you should've done things differently or someone else should've done things differently all the time!
Sometimes in the moment it can be really hard to get out of that judgment. A little hack is to think of the future or the past.
When my 8 year old is DRIVING ME CRAZY (actually I'm driving myself crazy by the thoughts I'm choosing to have about him) when he asks "why" over and over in that tone without giving me time to try to explain...
I can think of his little dimpled hands, his little sleepy eyes, the way he'd snuggle when he was too little to say "why" at all. I remember and just love that little baby.
Or I can think of him when he's a grandpa, bouncing his grandson on his knee, crows-feet by his eyes from laughing. I don't know that old man yet, but I just love him.
Choosing love over judgment.
When my husband loses his temper with the kids again...
I can think of his 25ish-year-old self when I thought we were just friends but he already had feelings for me and ate the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I made him on that road trip even though he hates peanut butter and jelly. I remember and really love that friend ("the friend zone is by the end zone" he'd later say).
Or I can think of him when he's going to be trying to remember his French as he introduces me to a part of the world I've never been. He'll have a baguette, I'll have an assortment of French pastries, and we'll enjoy some well-earned time together, feeling calm and not-too-worried about our teenage kids at home (I'm convinced this is our future... just find great babysitters and leave the country when they become teenagers đ). I fantasize about taking trips like that with him all the time- it gets me through. I don't know that version of him yet, but I just love him.
Choosing love over judgment.
When I frustrate myself SO MUCH because I'm having a very up and down kind of day and I'm crying yet again after I lost my temper with my kids...
I can think of my brand-new-mama-self eleven years ago who wanted to do everything right and somehow had energy to sew a little dress and baby-bloomers for her baby girl. Who wondered how anyone could survive a six-month-old during church in said dress and baby-bloomers. Even though I'm tempted to think life feels much crazier with five kids, I will never forget how hard that really was (all the mothering in general) with just one. I think she's endearing, I do not judge her, and I just love that past version of me.
Or I can think of myself when I wake up tomorrow, ready to start again. Courageously starting again even though I still struggle with my temper, even though I make the same mistakes. I KNOW growth is happening. And growth is never comfortable. I don't know tomorrow me quite yet, but I just love her.
Choosing love over judgment.
Swap judgment for love. Try it. It is freeing, it is a relief, it is true.
You are loveable. No matter what.