This is a concern I've heard from several clients, and I know I also wondered and stressed about it when I was pregnant for the second time.
'How will I do it with two?' they wonder.
Here are three strategies that can make that transition a little easier as you navigate postpartum when you already have a toddler (or more).
Strategy #1: Use screens more and on purpose... as a tool
I was going to put this one third, but then thought you'd think I meant this is the last resort. So instead, I'm just going to start with the one that is full of stigma and shame. Screen time.
Listen, mama. I know you're feeling guilty by how much time your toddler is on screens. You've heard there are studies that show how much better off your kid will be if they avoid them. You have that one friend who has never let her kid even watch TV. You are afraid they'll be addicted.
I'm not trying to say those studies don't know what they're talking about. But consider using screens, intentionally, for this season.
Why?
- Being able to breastfeed in peace will help with milk-letdown, bonding, and powerful feelings of wellbeing that both you and your new baby need.
- Screens are very effective at distracting your child while you are healing from birth and navigating the new expectations and responsibilities of caring for two.
- They are easy and convenient, and your child likes them.
- There is tons of educational and uplifting content.
- If you're like most of us, you will use screens more than maybe you had intended. So instead of feeling shame over it, own it and plan on it. Be intentional about it.
Strategy #2: Kid swaps/ Ask for help
I love this strategy because it helps you and another mom. If you can find a friend who has the same amount of kids as you and is interested in a "kid swap", this is how it could be done.
Once a week you watch her kids for 2-3 hours or so, and once a week she watches yours.
If you have a brand new baby, this may not work quite yet as you may not be ready to babysit other kids yet. But once you feel ready, this can be a game changer.
Here are some of the benefits from kid swaps:
- once a week you have that time to look forward to that you can nap, take yourself to lunch, go to the grocery store without kids, create some art, clean out a closet, or just do anything you want. It's your time. And this feels really special when you're on duty around the clock.
- once a week another mom has that gift as well, as you watch her kids.
- your kids learn social skills regularly as they play with other kids twice a week.
- It is so good for your mental health to have sometime regular to look forward to- like that time.
Strategy # 3: Bring them into your world
Physically:
As you're healing from birth, don't be afraid to let your toddler observe the healing process. Breastfeeding with them present is a way to subconsciously prepare your toddler for their future if they choose to do that or marry someone who does. [side note- one reason breastfeeding is often so challenging for first time moms is because they never saw it modeled, in US culture, anyway. In many parts of the world it's done more openly and new moms struggle less because they've seen it done.] I don't think you'll traumatize a child if they see you wince or moan when you have afterpains or if you mention the presence of any scary thoughts you may be having. I think all of these things prepares your child. So if you want them to be with you in your space as you navigate, let them. But listen to your soul here- it's possible you want a lot of alone time/ just you and newborn time in which case delegation to protect that time and keep your toddler occupied and cared for is a good idea as well (I suggest some of both).
I think a big reason why pregnant moms who are expecting #2(+) stress about how they'll do it with a new baby in the mix, is because of what "doing it" refers to. Are we expecting ourselves to entertain our kids? To make sure they never have to feel a negative emotion? To teach them sign language and healthy coping skills and algebra before they even start school?
Lay off the expectations a little bit. This is your cocoon phase. Your toddler can snuggle you, or just do the ipad in the same room. They can play around you- you don't have to be on the floor with them. It's ok to let them be bored, it's ok to be less hands-on than you used to be. They'll be ok.
And hey, if they're not- if they resent you someday because you were such a "neglectful" mom as you adjusted to two+ kids, they may need therapy. But tell me, who doesn't need therapy about their parents, even if they had the best parents? So don't be so panicked that you're doing it wrong or messing them up.
Emotionally:
I think a lot of the overwhelm in motherhood comes from trying to keep my kids from seeing the messy parts. There seems to be honor in not allowing our kids to see us cry. In always acting confident and like we have all the answers.
I come from a heritage of people who (especially one family line in particular) thought it inappropriate to air their dirty laundry. They hid emotion, hid weakness, always put forth their best and I assume, suffered silently. I used to put them on a pedestal and think that was what success looked like, but now, while I still respect and love them, at the same time I feel a little disconnected with them because I can't relate to their "perfection". I do cry. I do show emotion. I do struggle. And I feel a whole lot more of "what's wrong with me?" when I remember what was modeled to me.
I'm not suggesting we lean on our littles and expect them to grow up too fast in order to support us emotionally. I just think there are benefits to bringing them into our world emotionally. Allowing them to see us frustrated, sad, disappointed. Allowing them to see us modelling deep breathing, naming of emotions, trying again. Not having so much pride about what our kids will grow up to think of us but instead, allowing humanity in ourselves and in them. So when they struggle too, they'll know this is just the part where they struggle and they'll get through it like their mom did.
Thought that may be holding you back: "I have to be strong for them."
Instead try: "Allowing them to see my weaknesses is connecting and will strengthen our relationship. It will help them learn to love and accept themselves as they inevitably struggle sometimes too."
So how will you do it with two? Exactly how you did it with one. You'll do great sometimes and at some things; you'll struggle sometimes and with some things. Your capacity is growing. You'll figure it out. But as you do, I hope these strategies help. Make sure you DM me on instagram (@douladiane) and let me know!
Hey, have you signed up for a free coaching session with me yet? I'll help you find more empowering thoughts and you'll find SO. MUCH. RELIEF. with whatever you're struggling with- whether it's pregnancy, birth, or postpartum related. You really gotta try one! This is what one of my clients recently said about our coaching sessions:
"Diane is a kind, trustworthy, and caring person. She truly cares about supporting you through whatever challenges you’re facing. She helped me see things I hadn’t noticed before, things that were holding me back from fully loving, appreciating, and understanding myself. With her coaching, I gained clarity and took more confident steps toward my goals. Diane is passionate about helping you become a more confident, empowered, and healthier version of yourself." -Mama of one and one on the way