"How will I be a good mom to my toddler AND my newborn?"
This is one of the questions I get asked the most as a perinatal (pregnancy and postpartum) coach. Read on and you'll see that the answer is more straightforward and simple than you realize, and you're ALREADY DOING IT in many ways.
You see, you already love them. That's enough. Let love fuel you and you'll do great.
It's simple and people may disregard it like it's not compelling or complicated enough, but it's true. Love is always the answer. It can help you in any question you have, such as
"How do I say it without nagging?"
If you say it with love, it won't be "nagging".
"How will I cope if something terrible happens?"
If you accept others' love and love yourself, you'll be ok.
Here's a lil' acronym to tell you 4 meaningful ways that you can start to bring in that love more often.
Love. Lift your gaze, Observe your life more objectively, Validate yourself, Enjoy.
Lift your gaze.
đź’™To heaven- feel God's love, ask for direction and peace.
đź’™To others- what do you love about them, what are they doing to show their love to you.
đź’™To your future- the best is yet to come. Dare to believe that you will love and be loved, and you will love the life you are creating for yourself.
Observe your life more objectively.
Our home tends to be what I consider "messy" almost all the time. I used to feel so frustrated about it. I had a whole story about how I was a bad person because I had "too much stuff" and lacked the skills to perfectly maintain it (let alone teaching my kids how to help out more).
One day I was able to see it more objectively. My house has toys, blankets, and cushions on the floor because I have little kids who love to put them on the floor. Whether they're playing "floor is lava" or just moving on to the next exciting thing before they think to tidy up after themselves, a messy living room is EXACTLY on track for my kids, my home, my life right now. My sink is full of dishes because we eat and then try to help break up a fight or change a diaper or answer the door or a number of other things before we rinse off the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. With the ages of my kids, the number of them, and the current status of our family, it would be WEIRD if there were never dishes in the sink or clutter around.
That's not to say things can't change. I can get into habits to do all the dishes before bed or teach my kids to pick the pillows off the floor. We can develop great habits that will help. But, right now, before we do that, we are right on track.
This can apply to ANYTHING you judge yourself about. "Too much" screen time, your weight and body shape, your sleep schedule, whatever! Be a little more objective. Consider your current circumstances, and realize your life is reflecting that, so you don't need to be hard on yourself and wish you were so different.
Validate yourself.
Please don't skip this one thinking it's not important. This is one of the very most important things of all.
đź‘ŤValidate your thoughts. You have an opinion for a reason. You have your beliefs for a reason. They may be protecting you, serving you. Don't judge yourself for them. This just keeps you from making progress or changing for the better.
Now. As humans we have SO many thoughts a day, and a huge percentage of those are negative (google just told me up to 60,000 and 80%). So you don't want to validate thoughts like "I'm the worst," "I'm not enough," "I can't do anything right". I'm not suggesting you believe those. I'm just saying, what you think matters. Validate that there is a reason you think what you think, and if you dare to think something like "I'm really good at ______" or "I'm a good person," validate, validate validate!
đź‘ŤValidate your emotions.
We are human beings. We will have moments of feeling all the things. Feelings come from thoughts, and we're having up to 60,000 of those a day, remember?
I love how Jody Moore talks about emotions. She approaches them with curiosity. I've heard her say things like, "how does it feel to be a woman in the world who feels disappointed? I'm just going to do "disappointed" today."
Also, can we just agree right here, right now that we no longer have to say "sorry" when we begin to cry?
đź‘ŤValidate your life.
You have done so much and so well to be enjoying the things you are today. You have built something incredible, and can continue to have an even more fulfilling life ahead. Allow much more gratitude to God, the things you've overcome, and your past-self.
Enjoy.
I thought about telling you what I thought you should enjoy, but then decided it's truly up to you. Get an hour to yourself while your baby naps? Enjoy. That moment after they're buckled in their car-seats, the doors are closed and you're walking around to the driver's seat? Enjoy. When your baby is giggling because of a silly sound you make? Enjoy. Take a girl's trip for a week while your kids are with grandma? Enjoy. Feel some peace as you meditate and pray, even if just for 2 minutes? Enjoy. Eating that saved-and-hidden-away favorite candy bar after you locked yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes? Enjoy. Listen to a podcast that really resonates? Enjoy. Scribbling down ideas about the business you want to start as you carve out time for it? Enjoy. Notice the sunset as you make it outside for the first time of the day while you take out the trash? Enjoy.
I don't know exactly what your things are, but we have hundreds of tiny (and bigger) opportunities daily to enjoy, and SO OFTEN we allow guilt or shame to overshadow it.
You go on a long-awaited date with your husband.
You think 'This is SO nice to get away. I'm so glad we did this.'
And then almost IMMEDIATELY, 'I wonder if the baby's ok.' 'I shouldn't like this feeling so much.' 'If I were a good mom I'd never leave them.' 'I don't prioritize my marriage enough- this is our first date in months.' A cascade of thoughts comes in, that threatens to totally ruin it for us!
Let love in. Love for yourself. Love for the sunset, for the friends, for the fun and pleasurable parts of life- allow yourself to enjoy.
Love. Lift your gaze, Observe your life more objectively, Validate yourself, Enjoy.
You got this, mama. You're already doing it. I love you.
Mama Camp 2025 is coming! A chance to gather, share, and talk about important topics regarding postpartum and motherhood that aren't talked about enough! Put "Mama Camp" on your calendar on April 22-24! I can't wait! Stay tuned here and/or @douladiane on instagram!