Note: this post was originally written on November 15, 2024 and sent as an email to those who have subscribed to my email list.
It's story time.
Did I ever tell you about the time an ambulance, fire truck, and police car showed up at my house?
I was an experienced (or so I thought) mama of four who knew how to do a lot of things, including baby-proof my house for my exploring 10-month old. She could scoot and crawl and get into things, but I was always one step ahead. I was confident she'd be safe, and I went ahead with my every-day momming.
One day, as I prepared food in the kitchen, she sat by my feet and played with some magnets on the fridge. I hadn't really thought about magnets as being a choking hazard (with the way they stick to the fridge, my brain didn't warn me that she would pull them off and try to eat them), but I certainly learned that day. Luckily, I was right there when it started. The choking.
I wasn't worried. She had choked on (you know, not choked choked, but just struggled with) little bits of food a bit before and I knew what to do. I picked her up, turned her over, and like the first part of this short youtube video shows, I gave her the appropriate back blows. But it wasn't working.
I started to worry now. My toddler came in to ask for something and my brain was spinning with thoughts. I brought the baby to my room and locked us in so I could focus.
I tried again with the back blows. I tried and tried, crying, praying, and I wasn't sure if time was going too fast or slow, but it certainly felt weird.
'Should I call "911"?' I wondered. I quickly talked myself out of that one. 'They'll just get an ambulance and that is way too expensive.' [I think it's so sad that that was my thought. But I now know, if you ever are in a situation like this, just call 911! They won't charge you for coming to see what's going on and help.]
Then there was a knock at the door and I heard my husband's voice. He had gotten home early from work and surprised me which was a very rare occurrence. His timing was absolutely perfect. [Later I could see this was a true miracle.] When he saw what was going on, he called 911 and the firetruck and police car got to our house in what seemed like seconds.
Soon our house was full of people, one being a neighbor who saw a cop knock, and then walk right in without waiting. This neighbor (being a retired cop himself) could see how urgent it was and helped gather my kids to be out of the way. Firefighters and First responders (? not sure who everyone was) were in my bedroom, and I quickly handed the baby to one of them.
He proceeded to do what I had been doing, and after just a few back thrusts, she was breathing.
The magnet had gotten stuck in the esophagus and she still needed an operation to get it out. My husband accompanied my baby and the first responders in an ambulance, and I stayed home to help my other kids, and to breathe.
"Do you want to go?" my husband had asked.
"No." I said firmly. My thoughts were, 'I broke her. Take her, fix her, and bring her back.'
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And now, we begin. Ahem.
And now, we begin. Ahem.
It's story time.
Did I ever tell you about the time an ambulance, fire truck, and police car showed up at my house?
I was an experienced (or so I thought) mama of four who knew how to do a lot of things, including baby-proof my house for my exploring 10-month old. She could scoot and crawl and get into things, but I was always one step ahead. I was confident she'd be safe, and I went ahead with my every-day momming.
One day, as I prepared food in the kitchen, she sat by my feet and played with some magnets on the fridge. I hadn't really thought about magnets as being a choking hazard (with the way they stick to the fridge, my brain didn't warn me that she would pull them off and try to eat them), but I certainly learned that day. Luckily, I was right there when it started. The choking.
I wasn't worried. She had choked on (you know, not choked choked, but just struggled with) little bits of food a bit before and I knew what to do. I picked her up, turned her over, and like the first part of this short youtube video shows, I gave her the appropriate back blows. But it wasn't working.
I started to worry now. My toddler came in to ask for something and my brain was spinning with thoughts. I brought the baby to my room and locked us in so I could focus.
I tried again with the back blows. I tried and tried, crying, praying, and I wasn't sure if time was going too fast or slow, but it certainly felt weird.
'Should I call "911"?' I wondered. I quickly talked myself out of that one. 'They'll just get an ambulance and that is way too expensive.' [I think it's so sad that that was my thought. But I now know, if you ever are in a situation like this, just call 911! They won't charge you for coming to see what's going on and help.]
Then there was a knock at the door and I heard my husband's voice. He had gotten home early from work and surprised me which was a very rare occurrence. His timing was absolutely perfect. [Later I could see this was a true miracle.] When he saw what was going on, he called 911 and the firetruck and police car got to our house in what seemed like seconds.
Soon our house was full of people, one being a neighbor who saw a cop knock, and then walk right in without waiting. This neighbor (being a retired cop himself) could see how urgent it was and helped gather my kids to be out of the way. Firefighters and First responders (? not sure who everyone was) were in my bedroom, and I quickly handed the baby to one of them.
He proceeded to do what I had been doing, and after just a few back thrusts, she was breathing.
The magnet had gotten stuck in the esophagus and she still needed an operation to get it out. My husband accompanied my baby and the first responders in an ambulance, and I stayed home to help my other kids, and to breathe.
"Do you want to go?" my husband had asked.
"No." I said firmly. My thoughts were, 'I broke her. Take her, fix her, and bring her back.'
Photo by Maxime Doré on Unsplash
My daughter was ok. The magnet was removed, and she lived. This experience made me extra grateful for her life and I felt joy and wonder every morning when I'd get her out of her crib.
But it also brought trauma and self-loathing. How could I let that happen? How did I not anticipate? I truly believed I had broken my daughter. I had damaged her.
As parents, isn't this our biggest fear? We just don't want to damage our kids, or damage them "too much".
It took me a long time to recognize that what I did, in trying to do the back thrusts, even though I wasn't totally confident that I was doing it right, in not giving up til more help came, might have saved her life.
I didn't break her. We don't damage our kids. Sometimes they'll struggle, get hurt, even die. It's so sad, but that's just part of life. I believe we put too much unnecessary stress and pressure on ourselves when we worry about the worst case scenarios and assume we will 100% of the time be able to (or should be able to) stop bad things from happening.
I hope my experience can help you feel seen today. That you can know that you are amazing. You are doing way more to help your kids than any possible damage. And if you've gone through any fear or trauma like this experience I shared, I hope you aren't blaming yourself. You did the best you could under the circumstances of all that stress and unknown.
But it also brought trauma and self-loathing. How could I let that happen? How did I not anticipate? I truly believed I had broken my daughter. I had damaged her.
As parents, isn't this our biggest fear? We just don't want to damage our kids, or damage them "too much".
It took me a long time to recognize that what I did, in trying to do the back thrusts, even though I wasn't totally confident that I was doing it right, in not giving up til more help came, might have saved her life.
I didn't break her. We don't damage our kids. Sometimes they'll struggle, get hurt, even die. It's so sad, but that's just part of life. I believe we put too much unnecessary stress and pressure on ourselves when we worry about the worst case scenarios and assume we will 100% of the time be able to (or should be able to) stop bad things from happening.
I hope my experience can help you feel seen today. That you can know that you are amazing. You are doing way more to help your kids than any possible damage. And if you've gone through any fear or trauma like this experience I shared, I hope you aren't blaming yourself. You did the best you could under the circumstances of all that stress and unknown.
You are a GOOD MOM. No matter the outcome.
You are trying. You are doing your best.
I know you are.
Love,
Diane Epperson
Hold the Mom
Love,
Diane Epperson
Hold the Mom