I had the idea for this post while I was in the shower. Even though once in a while I could hear my baby crying as she fought sleep, I chose to enjoy the few minutes. The water felt so good, so therapeutic.
After my first baby was born, I remember feeling like I was truly learning the meanings of "24/7" and "on demand". If she cried, I would jump up to feed or comfort her. I knew I could make the crying stop (at least usually), and took the responsibility very seriously. In my mind, crying = bad, and it was my job to prevent or stop it. So if I was eating and she started crying, I'd gobble down some more food or just abandon my plate and let my food go cold so I could help her right away. If someone else was holding her, I'd rescue her (and them- I assumed they would be burdened by holding a crying baby). There were times I'd wait to use the bathroom just because she'd start up again, and with that kind of mentality, who has time/ could risk her discomfort long enough to shower? I really thought I didn't have time to even take a shower- she always seemed to need me.
Looking back on it, I think I had very unhealthy thinking and behavior. I saw my baby as someone with needs that I was (almost solely) responsible to meet. I saw myself as a less-than-someone who wasn't allowed to have needs.
Now I shower almost every night. I just get so much out of that little act of self-care. The boost it gives me, the time alone, the calming effect it has before bedtime. A friend of mine referred to hers as a "vacation".
I think it's good to look forward to, enjoy, and make it a regular thing.
All of the things your baby needs: food, safety, warmth, cleanliness, love, are things that their mom needs too. If it feels impossible to get yourself those things every day, it's time to ask for help.
Now, about the baby-crying.
I get it. It's really hard to let your baby cry. That's actually just part of your normal mama-instincts. Biologically, you are made to be more sensitive to your baby's cry and very motivated to help them.
But just try something with me:
Next time you intend to take a shower (for example) but your baby is crying, instead of this story:
I have to help her. I can't let her cry. I'm neglecting her. Showering would be selfish. A good mom puts her baby first. I don't want to hear her cry. It's wrong to let her cry. I'll just feed her real quick first.
Try something like this:
Babies cry sometimes. She is safe. I am safe too. Nothing has gone wrong. I'm allowed to have needs. I'm allowed to take care of my body and take a shower. I'm allowed to feel good. A shower will help to rejuvenate me and show up as the mom I want to be. It's not my baby's job or spouse's job or anybody's job to give me permission to shower and take care of myself. It's my job. I'm doing it because I like to be clean. I'm doing it because I'm being gentle with myself and healing from birth. I'm doing it because I know it'll help me feel more like myself. After my shower, maybe I'll feed her again and help her calm down. Or maybe she'll fall asleep while I'm showering. I don't need to rush it. I can give myself these 10 minutes.
This isn't really about if you choose to shower or not shower, or let your baby cry sometimes or not. This is about trusting and validating yourself when you have a desire. If you want to shower, if you want to feel better, if you want to try a different approach to a problem, allow yourself to do it!
And trust that other adults who are there to support you are capable too. Is it hard for your husband to hold a crying baby? Maybe. But it really is ok to inconvenience someone else for a few minutes. You are a person too. Moms are people too.
Do you like this content? Mama Camp is coming up: April 22-24, 2025. We'll be gathering to support, have insights, be rejuvenated. Topics include matrescence (the process of becoming a mother), mom rage, and the incredible benefits of processing birth (no matter how long it's been).
Email holdthemom@gmail.com if you'd like to learn more! :)
Comments
Post a Comment