"I'm nervous about the birth," she says. "I know it'll be one of the most painful things I'll ever go through."
"I'm worried about getting postpartum depression," confesses another. "I know it happens but I don't know what I'd do if it happened to ME. Every mom I know just deals with the hard things and figures it out on their own."
"I'm super anxious about breastfeeding," she tells me. "What if it hurts? What if I don't make enough milk for my baby? How will I know? What if that means I'm a failure?"
"I just want to be a good mom," they all seem to say. "I want to give my baby everything. I can't stand the thought that I wouldn't be able to measure up."
To all of those moms, to all of you, there is ONE thing you need. One thing that will make all the difference. Whether it's getting through hours of labor, birth going differently than you wanted, a rocky breastfeeding journey, or the threat of slipping into postpartum depression. There is just one thing that I wish every mom understood.
It's something you'll be giving your baby. It's something you know instinctively and with every natural part of you that your baby will need, and you will give it to them forever. It is something perhaps you don't realize YOU need too. And if you have it, you will be free to become the best mom you could possibly be.
Before I tell you what it is (how's THAT for a teaser? 😏) I want to illustrate how it was to be with a mom who had this precious thing as her baby was born into this world.
I watched her with awe as she uttered, "here comes another." We surrounded her, pushing on her back and whispering words of encouragement as she rode the rapids on a river of intensity that only she could really understand. We prayed and pled internally for her to stay strong as she got through each contraction. We did not leave her alone in it. We could not dream of doing so. It was too important. Too big. Too vital.
I had warned her that there comes a time when every woman falters. Every woman who attempts natural childbirth hits a wall where she just can't. She fears she may die if she tries anymore. We had talked about strategies to overcome that when it came-- transition.
This mother though. She taught me that what I was so sure was true about every woman was just a theory. She handled each upcoming wave with such flexibility and trust in herself, her body, her baby, her God, that I thought she wasn't nearly as far along through labor as she actually was. She rested and trusted and worked. She moved in instinctual ways making instinctual sounds. She leaned into the power and surrender that is childbirth.
This woman had what she needed to have the birth she wanted. And I am confident that even if something tragic had occurred where she had to be whisked to an operating room, she still would've been alright.
Some people think they need the right childbirth class and THEN they'll be ready for birth. They need the right baby carrier, pediatrician, nursery colors and THEN they'll be ready for postpartum. The right books, babysitters, toys, and THEN they'll be ready for parenthood.
I'm telling you, you just need one thing.
You need to feel safe.
If you feel safe in birth (which can look like being somewhere familiar surrounded by people who are there to love and support your wishes), your body will do the work and you need not fear the pain of childbirth. Will you have pain? Most likely. Will it be intense, yes. But if you are safe and supported through each and every contraction? You will be given the space and access your inner strength and handle it beautifully.
If you feel safe after birth to process what just occurred in your body and mind to get that baby here- the fear, the uncertainty, perhaps the trauma (especially if you didn't feel safe during birth), if you feel safe and a lack of judgment or a need to pretend everything is okay, you will be able to honor yourself and the Mount-Everest-type experience that you just accomplished. You will have empowerment and gratitude and love.
If you feel safe during postpartum to ride your hormones and lean into them, to slow down and heal properly, to spend your time and energy bonding with and memorizing that tiny baby of yours-- if you feel safe to delegate all those many things that can wait and treat postpartum as a season of growth and healing that it is, you will likely avoid postpartum depression. Or if you do end up getting it, you'll be able to navigate it better because you are safe. You'll be able to reach out for help without fear of judgment. You'll be able to gain empathy and strength and wisdom and help the next woman who goes through it as well.
Photo by Rosie Sun on Unsplash
If you feel safe while learning how to feed your baby, you won't hesitate to invest in a lactation consultant who can teach you skills and give you the peace of mind you need. You will take care of your body and your baby with the knowledge that fed is best, and with gentleness, patience, and love.
And if you feel safe in the village that you create for yourself as you reach out for help from other moms and professionals who are ready and willing to help you, you will become the mom you want to be. You will take the advice you want and leave the rest. You will try and try again, with a lifeline of women who understand EXACTLY how hard this job is. You will not be alone.
You are not alone.
You are safe.
But sometimes you don't feel that way. Sometimes that is what is missing.
I am here to hold the mom. I can show you how to feel safe again.
Come try out a free coaching call with me (you can DM me on instagram (@douladiane) or email me at holdthemom@gmail.com.
And see you next week on the blog. 💕
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