It was my first baby. She'd only been with us a few days when I noticed I was angry. Jealous. Resentful.
I knew I was lucky to have a kind, supportive husband. I remembered the last 9 (let's be real- it was 10) months of rollercoaster emotions: excitement, fear, grief, joy, anticipation. I had been so excited to finally become a mom.
My husband had been there for me through it all. He was by my side at the childbirth classes and spent time telling me positive birth affirmations. He set up the crib and made sure we had everything "ready for baby". I laugh when I remember him swerving the car in immediate response to my pregnancy craving for tater tots: "Sonic! I want SONIC!" And the way he set out slippers for me and warmed up my towel in the dryer so I would be even more comfortable after my baths-- It was like a chick flick. I was spoiled. Like a queen.
When I was pregnant.
But now?
All the twitterpation over his adoration felt dirty- felt jaded. Because I couldn't help but wonder: was it actually all for her? Our baby.
He took such good care of me when I was pregnant. Was it just because of the baby growing inside? Because the moment she came out of me, it seemed like him and everyone else only had eyes for her.
He played with her, was delighted by her, met her needs. And I did too, but all the while felt this terrible resentment.
What I thought then
It felt silly to admit to anyone. How could I complain? Firstly I had a husband. I'd think of those single moms out there and feel ashamed to not just 100% feel gratitude that there was another adult around helping me raise this tiny human with so many needs. Secondly, he was involved and helpful and kind and good to our daughter. I remembered stories I'd hear of "my husband never even changed a diaper" or "he'd never get up in the night with any of the kids." My husband was very involved in doing his part. He had two jobs at the time so was gone a lot, but when he was home, he was present and helpful.
I loved that he loved her. I loved that he was such a good dad.
But I was angry. I thought I was angry at him, and angry at my baby... but really I was angry at what had been taken from me—freedom, comfort, attention, and the old version of me.
I thought my baby was the reason I:
❤️🩹had so much breast pain to deal with
❤️🩹couldn't sit comfortably
❤️🩹had to "waste" so much time with longer bathroom trips
❤️🩹couldn't just hop in the car and run an errand
❤️🩹missed out during church or family gatherings
❤️🩹couldn't even enjoy lunch uninterrupted
and the list went on and on. She was the reason. Or so I thought.
Back then, I didn’t know I had a choice in what to believe. Now, after years of supporting moms through postpartum as a doula and coach, I see how much lighter and more connected it can feel when you do.
What I know now
If I were to coach my bitter, angry, hurt past-self today, this is what I'd do.
1. Listen
First, I would listen. I would listen to the whole list. I would ask if there's more. Moms who are dealing with all these complicated emotions don't usually allow themselves to be heard. They think the good moms always feel good about their babies and kids and lives, and they think to share would be to admit that they are bad.
So, with zero judgment, I would listen and ask questions to get that past version of me to share as much as she wanted in a safe environment.
2. Validate
Then, I would validate. I would tell her that even though she thinks she is the only person who was ever mad at her baby or partner after what she thought would be "happily ever after", she is actually wrong about that. So many moms have a hard time bonding with their babies. So many moms hold onto guilt that they can't just be grateful, or just love unconditionally. That deep down, they blame their baby for how bad they feel now.
I think the thing that terrifies us the most is that we are alone in all of this. So if we're honest with our feelings, it's like admitting that there is something terribly wrong with us.
I'd remind her, some of this is super valid. She is going through so many changes right now. She's getting less sleep. Her hormones are crashing and evening out. She had expectations of what birth and motherhood would be like which are not being met.
3. Challenge
But then I would kindly challenge her on some of her most painful thoughts. The one I know I would've benefitted from being coached on (because the client in question is my past-self) is this thought: "was it actually all for her?" Past-me had insecurity. Past-me thought my husband's attention to my baby meant not enough for me. Past-me was afraid that my only purpose was to bring her into the world, and then I could be ignored. Discarded.
Logically, I know that my husband was still good to me. But this pesky little belief that he only took care of me in pregnancy because he cared about the baby entered my heart, and my brain looked for evidence to support it.
So as her coach I'd point this out and show her how painful it was to believe this thought.
4. Make space to feel the feelings
Often when I'm being coached, I cry. It almost doesn't matter what topic it is, I end up crying. It's an opportunity to actually feel my emotions instead of pushing them away. It's a safe space to feel.
If I were to coach past-me, I'm sure a lot of dirty feelings like jealousy, pain, annoyance, insecurity, and even cleaner but "negative" ones would come up. Sadness. Grief.
So I'd validate those too. I'd make room for them. We'd breathe deeply and allow them. We'd recognize the reason for all the feelings-- the stories we tell ourselves. Sometimes such painful stories.
5. Discover a more empowering thought
So. After this time to process the pain and feel the feelings, we look at any possible evidence that the opposite, or at least an alternative may be true. We consider giving the benefit of the doubt. We challenge the painful thoughts.
How coaching could've helped me
What do you want to believe?
Like maybe
💕postpartum is challenging, but I can do hard things.
💕my jealousy toward my baby is understandable and a message that I want more connection. I can have a mature conversation and share my needs and requests.
💕I was right on track. I was good enough.
💕My life was equal parts hard and beautiful. And I was allowed to focus on the beautiful if I wanted to.
My friend, you're allowed to believe whatever you want. And I am delighted to help moms find a more empowering, beautiful story to believe. If this resonates with you... if you'd like my help, let's schedule your free coaching call for this next week. Why wait any longer when relief is right around the corner? Just email me at holdthemom@gmail.com (or DM me on instagram @douladiane). I'm here for you. I'm here to Hold the Mom.💕
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