I sat down to write tonight, and the same thought kept running through my head: Why is this so hard? Not just writing, but also laundry, meals, errands, even everyday life as a mom.
And you know what? That thought, which has a sneaky little add-on in parentheses ('it shouldn't be hard. Something is wrong with you.') is exactly what gets in the way of progress. Sometimes, lots of times, we push through despite that critical judgy internal voice and eventually do the thing anyway, but with an energy that is not serving us.
Why simple things feel so hard
Basically when we wonder why it's so hard, we make it harder on ourselves. Because that thought is defeating. And our efforts are weak from defeat.
In this post we're going to validate you with some logical reasons of why it is so hard, followed by some strategies to take that burden off our shoulders and accomplish more with better energy.
Pregnancy, Postpartum, Motherhood is challenging. Often when the thoughts of "why is this so hard?" come up, it's with tasks that we've done several times, that maybe pre-kids we did with ease. Things like keeping up on the dishes, making meals, doing laundry, doing errands. For the sake of example I'll use doing laundry.
Here are four reasons why doing laundry is harder than you might expect near the end of pregnancy or after you have a baby.
Four Reasons Laundry can feel impossible
1. It's harder physically.
During pregnancy your hormone called relaxin is much higher than when you're not pregnant. The purpose of relaxin is to help your pelvic muscles relax so the baby will have a passage to go through during birth. We are grateful for this- it even allows your hip bones to shift and open wider. But it doesn't make things like walking (think pregnant "waddle"), lugging laundry baskets around, and general movement feel like it did pre-pregnancy.
Lifting heavy things can be very taxing at the end of pregnancy and during postpartum. It can be impossible if you had a C-section, but either way, your body just had a very intense experience in birth and doesn't want you to be lifting things much heavier than your baby. So full laundry baskets are a no.
2. Change in priorities.
There is a biological response when your baby cries. Your milk may start leaking, you may feel anxious to stop what you're doing and respond right away. And if you don't, you may start feeling guilty. Babies cry at unpredictable times when they're young, and trying to "keep them happy" becomes a major priority for many parents. So when gathering dirty laundry, putting it in the washer, lugging it to the dryer, sorting it (maybe folding it), and putting it away keeps getting interrupted by your baby wanting to nurse again, needing to be changed, not to mention needing to be watched or brought along somehow if you have to go to a laundromat-- it's not as easy as just keeping up with laundry anymore. It takes a lot longer, has a lot of interruptions, and the whole time dirty laundry baskets seem to be staring us in the face as we go about our day, saying "you should've washed me already..."
3. Lack of sleep.
You're getting less sleep than you once did. And with that, comes a harder time to think quickly and clearly. You may find yourself scrolling on your phone instead of getting to the laundry because you're exhausted and you really want that lil dopamine boost.
4. Lack of systems.
When you have a new baby, especially if you don't have people you feel you can delegate everyday tasks to, things start feeling chaotic pretty quickly. The counter is cluttered with pamphlets from the hospital, pump parts you still need to sterilize, the birth certificate application, and yesterday's dirty dishes. You may have forgotten which is the clean laundry basket and which is the dirty, and things might be out of place from the way you'd normally function. There can just be a lot of new things that don't have a home yet in your home, and a lot less capacity to clutter, spiff up, and understand what to do with all the stuff that has accumulated.
So when you see your dirty laundry basket overflowing and you find self-judgment knocking again asking, 'why is it so hard? It shouldn't be...' you just show that part of you this blog post. Because it IS so hard right now. Everything is pretty hard right now. And thinking it shouldn't be only makes it worse.
Now that you feel a little validated, hopefully, breathe deeply and appreciate yourself. Celebrate you for all the hard things you've done in enduring through that pregnancy, navigating labor and delivery, and surviving postpartum so far. Sometimes we seem to forget that we just birthed another human onto this planet! That is no small feat. And keeping them alive and even trying to keep them happy takes a lot of energy, especially when you're healing from birth.
Now, here are a few strategies, after you accept where you're at and validate how hard it really is for you, and that it's ok that it's hard, to help you get a little more traction sooner.
Strategies to make it all lighter
1. Stop thinking of the laundry and all the things on your endless To Do list as things you HAVE to do.
It’s easy to slip into thinking of chores as things we have to do, but shifting to ‘I want to’ can change the energy completely.
Do you remember being a kid and looking forward to growing up because you would get to do whatever you wanted? What happened? Here we are, adults, and are we doing whatever we want all the time? I invite you to take a step back, and instead of thinking "I have to do this, I have to do that, this has to get done and I'm the only one who ever does it...' start realizing that you are doing these things really because you want to.
You may not think you want to do the laundry, but you want to have clean clothes. You may not think you want to get up and feed the baby in the middle of the night, but you want your baby to be taken care of and you want them to be calm. And you want to get more sleep and if the crying can stop, that would help everyone with that goal.
Do you see how you actually want to do the laundry, and you actually do want to comfort your baby?
The trick is to start enjoying the journey, not just the result. If you do the task resentfully or with frustration, the result is almost not even worth it a lot of the time.
It reminds me of a mom who was wanting to try to pump to get milk for her newborn. She didn't have a lot of confidence that she could get any milk, because of frustration she had with a previous breastfeeding journey, but something in her wanted to be able to. So she tried. And it wasn't about how much milk was in that bottle at the end of the pumping session. It was about her wanting to try, so she did.
If we can focus more on the journey and less on the result, we will be able to slow down and appreciate and enjoy all of this so much more.
So be a little more intentional about what you want. Remember, you're an adult. You get to do whatever you want! So choose what you want, and then own it. "I want to not throw my clothes away, I want to know where my clothes are when I need them, so I want to do the laundry today."
2. Treat your future self.
This leads me to a beautiful way of thinking that serves me a lot. And that is doing little favors for my future self. Do I feel like staying up and getting all the dishes done? No. But do I do it sometimes just as a shout-out to myself tomorrow morning? An act of self-care and self-love for that future version of me who will feel calm and more ready for the day when she comes into a clean kitchen in the morning? (Note- I am not recently postpartum: my baby is 17 months. So sometimes I do the dishes. I hope if you had your baby within the past 40 days that you are never doing your dishes but instead getting others to do them!)
You have a relationship with yourself. Your past, present, and future self. Sometimes we do those things to set up our future self!
3. Lower your expectations.
What are the NEEDFUL things? Could you just hide in your room with your baby and let your house get a little out of control by not keeping up on chores? Yes. Would you die? No. I think postpartum is a time of slowing down. Not keeping up with the Joneses or anyone else. Just rest, healing, bonding with that baby.
Sometimes my argument for this is, "but the clutter stresses me out! I can't function if the house gets that bad!" and then I remind myself, postpartum is a time for intense focus on self and baby. Not functioning in the same way that you used to and that you will again.
So let your house get a little out of control. Use paper plates instead of washing dishes all the time. Don't wear as many clothes (more skin-to-skin time!) or let your toddler wear clothes more than once before washing, or let toys get disorganized. It's just a season. If you protect your energy now, you'll be able to do all those things you want to do so much sooner and in a more sustainable way without physical and mental health challenges that can come from jumping back into doing so much too soon.
4. Ask for help.
People hate this one. They don't want to burden anyone. They don't want people to pity them. They don't want to be humble. They want to be the helpers, not the other way around.
Anytime a mom I'm working with shows resistance to the concept of asking for help, I like to remind them of how postpartum is done in many places in the world outside of the United States. There are cultures that understand the importance of mom resting and bonding with her baby. They come in and handle everything else. They swoop in and take care of her, household chores, other duties, other children. And there aren't all these ridiculous expectations to "bounce back" and "do it all".
I think asking for help is one of the bravest, most responsible things a new mom or dad could do. It shows wisdom that they know their limits, that they prioritize rest, mental and physical wellbeing, and good quality family bonding above what people will think of them, their pride, or money if they choose to invest in a postpartum doula or other professional help.
You are allowed to ask for help. Even if your sister didn't, or your friends didn't and they seem just fine. It's possible they aren't doing just fine, or it's possible they are getting help that you don't know about.
What kind of help is available?
I know of a free daycare in Utah Valley that gives parents respite hours so they can have a date or a nap or simply some time to recharge.
I know of kind neighbors and friends that would be willing to bring meals, mow lawns, do errands, babysit, give emotional support. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has an incredible ministering program that incorporates these types of services.
I know of postpartum doulas (myself included!) who will come to your home and do your to-do list for you so you can shower, sleep, figure out feeding your baby. Some can help you through the logistics of that if you're struggling (breastfeeding and pumping isn't always just intuitive for everyone- it can be challenging!) Some can come at night to help with night feedings so you can get as much sleep as possible. Some make meals or bring warm bread (tooting my own horn there!), and can give you professional resources you may not know about for basically any problem that can come up.
These are just a few examples of the help available. You will find even more when you stop focusing on how hard it all is, and start having hope that you'll be able to find the help you need, want, and deserve.
So, mama, it is hard. Simple things are hard in this season. And that's ok. It's NOTHING to do with something wrong with you. You're right on track. You're in your cocoon. Do we expect caterpillars to fly already when they're in their cocoon stage? Not at all.
It's hard, but you have tools and ideas now to empower yourself to make it less hard for yourself.
And it starts with deciding that the self-criticizing tone when you wonder "why is this so hard for me?!" is actually making it harder than it needs to be.
So give yourself grace, let it be hard, and remember: you’re growing wings in this season.
You got this. DM me on instagram @douladiane (or email me at holdthemom@gmail.com) if you'd like to learn more about my postpartum doula services! Or if you just want somebody to talk to about what's been hard for you, I'm here for you, with so much love.
See you on the blog next week!
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