I have a goal to love the holidays this year.
I usually have a hard time. I tend to stress myself out trying to make things magical for my kids, make coordinating costumes for some validation from my peers, spend WAY more money than I thought I would on candy, costumes, decorations.
I'm writing this on Halloween.
But I noticed as soon as Halloween is over, instead of patting my back for the work I put into everything, I start stressing (even dreading!) Thanksgiving, and soon, Christmas.
In January I can breathe again, but it's cold and grey and I'm typically stressed about not keeping all my goals and good intentions. And just gearing up to stress about Valentines Day and feeling insecure in my marriage relationship (should I get him anything this year?!).
This year feels different though. This year I did go through a bit of stress preparing for the Trunk or Treat, but I can say it was much less than my usual. I can actually say I've genuinely enjoyed Halloween.
In this post I'm going to show you 3 LIES we tell ourselves when we're stressed, and what you can choose to believe instead, if you want to feel better and enjoy the holidays (and your life in general!).
LIE #1
"If I can just get through ___[Halloween]___, then I'll be ok."
Like I alluded to before, if you don't stop the stress circuit now, it'll likely continue to the next holiday, and the next. You won't be ok. You'll be stressed about the next thing. Why is this?
Because your brain comes along with you.
You don't feel stressed because of Halloween costumes. You don't feel stressed because of family expectations. You feel stressed because of your stressful thoughts during the holidays. Why does the distinction even matter?
Because you have the power. Over your own brain. And your brain comes with you for the rest of your life.
So if you can start feeling calm, curious, empowered, joyful or whatever you'd want to feel over the holidays, you can break the cycle of stress. Even if you've always been stressed every year. That was the old you.
Now, don't be hard on yourself if you're working on this and you go back to old thinking patterns. It takes redirection, and repetition. You've had your old beliefs for so long, they may even feel like a part of you. "Oh, I'm just someone who gets stressed out during the holidays." Identity.
But if you want to change, you can! It just starts with permission. And I'm giving it to you right now.
What if "If I can just get through ___[Halloween]___, then I'll be ok.", you choose to redirect to "I'm ok right now." Think about any immediate threats. Think about how good and calm and safe your life likely is. The stress is not dangerous. The expectations are not dangerous. You can let them go.
Feeling safe and calm by deciding you're ok right now, today, will help you find the creativity and open you up to feeling connection and joy over the holidays too.
LIE #2
I have so much I have to do before __[Halloween]___.
This lie feels very urgent. You may want to get your entire to-do list done because that's just who you are. Your brain goes to worst-case scenario if you "fail".
But there is nothing that makes us want to drag our feet and procrastinate more than the thoughts of "I have to get this done." We resist it. We don't want anybody pressuring us and telling us what to do- not even ourselves!
Instead of this, I suggest "I could do this, I could do that." What do you want to FEEL this holiday season? Are your current thoughts helping you feel that? The list of what you have to do is actually probably 100% optional stuff. Give yourself permission to just quit everything.
After you do that and breathe deeply, maybe put a few of the things back on your list if they align with what you actually want. But there is zero reason to do it all. There is no award for busy.
The lie here is "I have to". No you don't. Nobody is making you, nobody will hate you if you don't.
We're actually afraid of our OWN disapproval if we don't. Of disappointing ourselves, of beating ourselves up. That, my friend, is 100% optional. You don't have to despise yourself when you mess up or don't live up to your own expectations. You can be there for yourself and love yourself and recognize yourself as human!
LIE #3
It's all on me-- I have to create meaningful traditions for my kids. I have to be a fun mom.
Similar to the last one, pressure to be a fun mom will not help you have fun! Will not help you loosen up and enjoy things.
This one is also a lie because it takes your kids' reactions, experiences, memories, and makes them YOUR responsibility.
Mama, you're already carrying so much. Mental load, birth trauma, self-critical thoughts. You've got to give your kids back what is theirs-- their emotions.
We love our kids. We want to protect them. We want them to not have to feel bad even for a minute. But trying so hard to predict everything and working to make it all perfect not only stretches us too far, it also is not guaranteed to work. Just like we get to have our own thoughts which cause our own feelings about everything and that's all optional, the same is true with our kids. We can't make them have a great Halloween. Or Thanksgiving. Or Christmas.
The traditions will just sort of happen, as well. You can be intentional, and plan ahead. In fact, if it really matters to you, this is a beautiful gift you can give your future self-- making a bucket list with times and addresses and all the things so you can set yourself up for success. But what your kids will care about much more than "we went to that same haunted house every year" is the security they feel with YOU. And you will be much more genuine in giving that security if you feel safe and secure. If you're not feeling frazzled or frustrated.
A lot of these truths I've shared in this post have come from my years of exposure to life coaching. It has shown me that I have a choice of what I want to believe and feel, and I have responsibility for my own but no one else's. But some of my more laid-backness has come from experience and not fighting all the battles anymore.
If I could go back in time to my first-time mom past-self, I would assure her:
You're a great mom.
You aren't doing it all "wrong."
It's fun to do family costumes, but don't do it for attention or validation. Everyone is working on their own at their own houses- people don't really care what you decide on.
You're going to have so many opportunities to grow, and you're right on track. Don't feel scarcity about these holidays or like you have to spend a lot of money, or do things like your mom did or you think a good mom does. Check in with yourself. Are you stressed? Let's take care of you. Let's breathe and let some things go.
It really is ok. You really are ok.
Your worth does not depend on what you spend/make/do regarding this holiday.
Holidays were made for moms, not moms for the holidays.
Love you much!
See you on the blog next week!
If this all resonates with you, you'll love the After Baby Reset. I poured my heart into it and you'll feel encouraged and inspired as you participate in this simple mini-course. You could feel better and more like the mom you dream of becoming by Thanksgiving! Here's the link 👉 The After Baby Reset
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