If You’ve Only Heard Birth Horror Stories, You Need to Read This

I'm planning a solo trip to Mexico and I’m beyond excited! I've never gone, but it’s been on my bucket list for years. Finally, it’s happening.

Some people don't share my excitement, but instead feel the need to share horror stories about Mexico with me. I’ve done my research, I speak Spanish, and know people there -- but I’ll admit, those warnings make me second-guess myself a little. My confidence feels shaken as I consider their fearful (and sometimes ignorant) opinions.

It got me thinking about birth and postpartum. How often does society think it's ok to tell a pregnant woman what she should do? To share our birth trauma and drama with her? To share fearful, sometimes ignorant opinions?

If a first-time mom wants to try an unmedicated birth, the last thing she needs is the smug comment, "you'll be screaming for that epidural." (Yes, this example is specific because it happened to me.)

What I need as I prepare for my trip to Mexico is to talk to people who have had safe and successful trips down there. I need to learn street smarts and research all the possibilities to show up prepared. And I need to have people I can rely on (including myself) if things go differently than planned.

What a pregnant woman needs going into birth is encouragement and love. A lack of judgment. Resources to be successful in the birth they want. And a safe birth team regardless of how things go. They need people to respect them and trust them as they choose for themselves the journey they want for birth and postpartum. 

I'm a postpartum doula and am passionate about women having the support and encouragement they need to make educated decisions and have the birth and postpartum experiences they want and deserve. I was sharing some of my own experiences and philosophies with a friend who doesn't have her own kids yet, and she said something like,

"Before I met you, I didn't even know positive birth experiences were a thing. I'd heard horror stories, and about how hard everything is. How it'll wreck your body and push you to your limits and be super stressful, but it's ok because those kids are worth it. But I never knew it could even be positive, let alone empowering. So many people don't know about this. More people need to know about this."

Back to my Mexico trip: it’s like wanting to go there but only hearing the scary stories -- never hearing the hope. Imagine never even knowing airplanes exist; you could still travel slower by ship, car, or train, but knowing airplanes are an option opens up a whole new world. That’s exactly how birth can feel. Once you know positive, empowering birth is possible, it changes everything.

Photo by Leonardo Yip on Unsplash

Once you know what postpartum is (it does not mean depression, but the time that every mom goes through after birth) and that your postpartum can be supported -- a time of bonding and discovery, once you know what to expect and the resources that can help you be more comfortable and thrive, it changes everything too.

So, my friend, in this post I'm going to tell you a little about this metaphorical airplane through my own personal experience, the moms I've talked to, and research I've done. Because you ought to know your options.

Birth can be positive and empowering.

I've heard birth described as "the worst day of my life". "Agonizing." etc etc. (You have too-- I don't need to rehash any of that). Many women don't describe it at all, just feeling lucky to come out alive with a healthy baby. Sometimes baby showers become one-upping sessions "well, my labor was THIS long!" as the topic is finally relevant and women need validation for their pain and sacrifice.

But for me, and for others too, beautiful, empowering birth is the best kept secret in the world. (Let's let you in on it 😉). Birth can feel powerful. Loving. Hard, yes, but you can be SO proud of yourself for doing that incredible, hard thing, and the feeling of deep satisfaction can stay with you for the rest of your life.

I've given birth five times. I've had birth trauma, a NICU baby, pitocin, hemorrhage, shoulder distocia, an epidural, doulas, a water birth, hospital births, a birth center birth. There's been a huge range of empowerment in my experiences.

But this last one, with my youngest, was absolutely glorious. I'll put a link to her birth story at the end of this post. I was free to be in whatever position I chose. I gave birth to her in a bathtub and I caught her myself. I announced her gender. I cut her cord (45min or so after she was born). It was very much what I wanted, and my birth team was incredible at supporting me and helping me feel safe.

A woman who is free to give birth on her terms will tell you how much confidence it builds. How empowering it is. How much it changes them for the better, forever.

Moments after giving birth to my second child: my first birth without an epidural

Here are some ways to get started toward experiencing an empowering birth.

• Remember there are many things we can't control in birth. That baby will come when it's ready and when your body is ready (unless you get induced). You can't 100% guarantee the outcome. But there are many things you can choose that will make your result likely.
• Be picky about your provider. Don't choose an OB or Midwife just because your sister went with them. Don't choose someone just because they're the only one your insurance would cover (question this! There are probably other options.) Be sure you feel genuinely safe in their hands and are on the same page. Make sure they give you enough time in your visits to answer your questions and hear and respect you. Ask them specific questions about your preferences and if you're uncomfortable, it's never too late to find a better fit for you (I was 36 weeks pregnant when I found my provider for my most recent birth).
• If you don't even know what birth preferences you have, DM me at @douladiane on instagram and I'll help you figure it out!
• Be picky about your birth team. Don't invite your mom just because she expects to come. Make sure you want her there and it would help you feel more comfortable and calm. Don't assume your husband can be your knight in shining armor and coach you through labor. He may be exhausted and need a break or feel overwhelmed. Consider hiring a doula (her job is to help support you with what you want and to advocate for you!) and be picky here too. Make sure you feel safe and supported with your team.
• Realize what you can do to help yourself be more comfortable and supported. Birth is a really intimate experience. Especially if you want an unmedicated birth, your body will progress the smoothest if you feel safe, comfortable, and private. Hospitals are not necessarily suited for this. You can wear or not wear whatever you want-- you don't have to wear a hospital gown. You can turn down the lights and ask everyone to be quiet when they enter. You can refuse cervical checks and request or deny anything. Doulas can be great here too- to help you have the birth you want.
• You can choose your birth intentions. I made a list of words of how I wanted the birth to be: empowering, safe, beautiful, supported, love in the room. Then, no matter what ended up happening-- even if I got transferred to a hospital or needed an emergency C-section or whatever, I could still have what to me was a successful birth.

Postpartum can be dreamy.

Postpartum (the word means the transition that all women go through after childbirth-- I am not talking about depression) can be really mysterious. Many first-time moms know it'll be hard, but don't necessarily know why. They just hope they'll be able to avoid postpartum depression and assume they won't get much sleep.

Let me tell you, postpartum CAN be amazing. Dreamy. Restful and bonding and beautiful. I've experienced quite the spectrum here too-- postpartum depression, agonizing scary thoughts, painful breastfeeding, loneliness, but also joy, confidence, empowerment, oxytocin, bonding, love.

My dreamiest postpartum with my 5th baby. I prioritized rest and bonding and delegated the rest.

Here are some ways you can achieve a dreamy postpartum, even if it's your first time.

• Learn what to expect with your physical and emotional healing. This helps you not be afraid when symptoms show up, and have a step up to knowing how to handle things and who to turn to for help.
• You can expect postpartum vaginal bleeding for weeks (even if you have a C-section). You'll have general soreness. Many women experience contractions ("after pains") as their uterus, over time, gets back down to its pre-pregnancy size. For me, they were painful. And then, if you choose breastfeeding and/or pumping, it can be painful and difficult-- physically and emotionally. And if you don't, you'll still likely experience discomfort while your body gets used to the idea of not making milk. Your hormones will be changing drastically, leading to physical and emotional symptoms that are not fun. 

• Schedule a therapy appointment already. You're going to want to talk to a professional, even if you don't end up getting a postpartum mood or anxiety disorder. And if you don't need to meet with someone, it's a LOT easier to cancel then to set up an appointment-- good therapists often have a waiting list.
• Try out coaching! I'm a postpartum coach and I know other amazing ones too who will help you with your mindset regarding anything and everything hard you're going through. And one awesome bonus about this is you can do it from home without having to get out of your pjs or get that baby in the carseat or anything. I coach my clients over zoom and babies are welcome.
• As soon after birth as you want to, TALK about it. Talk to a trusted friend, your partner, or better yet, your postpartum doula or coach (I do this for moms and it is so powerful!). We need to be able to talk about birth. The disappointments, the fears, the trauma, the wonderful things and the hard things. It is a story that deserves honoring and telling. And retelling if we want to. And studies show that processing your birth can help prevent postpartum depression.
• Make a list before baby comes or as soon as you can and want to after of aaaaaallllllllllll the people you could possibly get yourself to ask for help of any kind. Then, if you need something, just start at the top of the list. It can be hard to ask for help, but remember, many people would love to help you, and many many other cultures already have villages looking out for new moms. Here, we have to find and create our own.

If you know what to expect, feel safe and prepared, process your birth, and have the support you deserve, postpartum can be absolutely dreamy. It can be one of the most sacred times of your whole life.

My friends! I created something very cool. It's called the After Baby Reset, and if you like my blog you'll absolutely love it. I go into depth about how to feel better in your body, mind, and relationships after birth. You can learn more about it over on instagram (@douladiane)!

Read that birth story here 

And see you on the blog next week! xoxoxox