I remember that intense feeling when I'd hear her crying from her crib in the middle of the night. It felt like something delicious being grasped away from me. Ripped away. Forcefully. The delicious thing was sleep.
I remember listening for a while, wondering how he could sleep through it, and finally getting the gumption to roll my tired, achy body out of bed. I remember scooping her up, supporting her head, stumbling to the rocking chair, and fumbling as I tried to get situated and latch her on to my sore breast.
I remember the steady rocking, almost more for myself than for her, toes curled with pain, shoulders high, my body rigid. I remember trying to breathe deeply and telling myself over and over that It's ok, I can do this.
I remember the pain fading, and my consciousness too as I'd slip into sleep. Then an abrupt awakening as I knew it wasn't safe to fall asleep with her in the rocking chair. I remember the fighting of sleep through the whole feeding.
I remember some nights where I'd change her little diaper and think, 'I just can't do this anymore.' I'd take her into bed with me and feel physically better as we could finally relax while I breastfed on my side, but then the anxiety of 'what if I rolled on my baby' started, making sleep impossible. Because I didn't know much about being a good mom, but I knew that was a major NO to sleep with the baby.
Why Those Nights Break Us (and What No One Warned Us About)
Nights like that, plus days of trying to keep up with the dishes, laundry, housework, monthly creative photos of baby, play dates, doctor appointments, and not napping nearly enough pushed me too far mentally. My intrusive thoughts became too much, my feelings of despair too common. I fell into postpartum depression.
When We Finally Find Something That Helps
Eventually we got into a routine where I'd wake my husband when I'd hear her cry, he'd change her diaper and bring her in, I'd feed her in the bed, and he'd burp her and bring her back to the bassinet after. This felt so much better as I was able to rest and he was taking more ownership in the parenting.
But the very best was when I tried bed-sharing with baby #5. This can be a very controversial topic, and I've written THIS post about it (Sept 2024) so feel free to read that if you want to know my experience and some good resources I've found about how to do this safely.
Today we're not going to be talking about bed-sharing, but just sleep in general. Because when I talk to moms of young kids, that's what they want the most.
Sleep Is a Lifelong Conversation, Not Just a Newborn Problem
Lack of sleep is not only a problem in the newborn phase. What I didn't really think about before I had kids was how often kids will wake you, maybe for the whole time they live under your roof. As a newborn it's to eat every few hours, as a toddler because they just want to be near you. As a young child they have a bad dream, and at any age they sometimes get sick and throw up during the night or wet the bed. As a teenager you may be waiting up for them til curfew or up worried about the decisions they're making (I don't actually know, none of my kids are there yet. But that's what people say.)
Now. If you're in postpartum with your first baby I do NOT say this to discourage you. You're longing for a full night's sleep and I just went ahead and told you that may be a rare thing for the next 18 or however many years. It DOES get better than being woken up every two hours. You do get full nights' sleep sometimes.
The Mindset Shift That Changes Everything
But if you can decide how you want to feel about sleep (or the lack thereof) now, it will bless you for the rest of your life.
The first time I ever considered this was after hearing a story from the amazing Jody Moore. She talked about a shift in thinking she went through from "I didn't get enough sleep 😫" vibes to "I can do tired." When she realized she can function fine and it's not actually that big of a problem to be tired, everything changed for her.
The Cultural Problem: We Treat Sleep Like a Moral Report Card
People will offer you the victim story all day long. The first thing people ask when they see you with a newborn is a concerned, "Oh, are you getting any sleep?" We have made sleep such a big deal- we've given it so much power over us.
Please don't misunderstand me. I remember it being so hard. But we make it harder on ourselves when we buy into the lie that the amount of sleep I got last night dictates if I can feel good. If I can function. If I can be a good mom today. If I can love my baby wholeheartedly or feel resentment.
Moms take on "tired" as their identity. They sink into "suvival mode." Some have that story for YEARS.
Isn't it time to decide for yourself how you WANT to feel? How you WANT to function? How you WANT your life to look like?
The Hidden Weight: The Drama We Add On Top of Exhaustion
There is definitely a physical component to not getting enough sleep. But there is a huge burden of emotional pain and drama we put on top of it when we think it's so unfair that we aren't getting the sleep we deserve. So if you keep hearing yourself say or think "I'm so tired", you're physically tired AND now feeling discouraged, worn out, low on top of that.
Thankful To Sleep
If you want to do a little experiment with me, which may impact your energy for the better from now on, I invite you to join us in a FREE Instagram challenge I'll be starting on Wednesday, November 19th. It's called Thankful to Sleep.
Not Thankful FOR Sleep. This is not a "get over it- count your blessings- stop whining- just recognize the sleep you're already getting" challenge. No no no. This is a challenge where in just a few minutes a day we'll rewire our brains to be able to be genuinely Thankful TO Sleep by Thanksgiving.
Because we have more power over our own results than we realize. And sometimes all you need is somebody to show you how to think about it a little differently.
I'll also be giving you journal prompts and practical tools to try.
Stop Measuring Sleep, Start Measuring Support
As a little taste of the challenge, you can start by considering what focusing on sleep distracts us from. We're giving sleep all the credit. When you stop assuming sleep itself is the villain, you can look under the surface and see what really needs attention.
Maybe
💕you need to have an assertive conversation with your spouse/kids/anyone else that may be keeping you up at night. You can explain your needs and ask for their support.
💕you need to check in with yourself about your screentime use. Are you scrolling in bed because you're dreading having to do it all again tomorrow? Are you remembering something and reaching over to put it into your phone calendar only to be down rabbit holes when sleep is what would actually be self-care in that moment?
💕you could hire a postpartum doula to care for your baby during the night and/or make sure things are taken care of so you can take guilt-free naps during the day.
💕instead of counting how many hours of sleep you got and making it either mean a badge of honor or defeat, maybe the hours aren't as relevant. Maybe you could improve the way you talk to yourself in the morning (like "Thank you, me, for feeding the baby in the night! Thank you for the sleep you gave me. I know you wanted to give me more. I'll take care of you and not expect as much from you today. Let's take a nap/ rest with a book/ do a little Netflix binge on purpose this afternoon.").
These little shifts won’t give you eight hours tonight. But they will give you back a sense of power, compassion, and calm, which is what you’ve been needing all along. And that’s exactly what we’ll practice together during the challenge.
Rewriting our Relationship with Sleep
If you’re ready to stop letting sleep be the thing that defines your days, your mood, or your motherhood… come join us.
My FREE “Thankful to Sleep” challenge starts Wednesday, November 19th (ends Wednesday November 26th) , and I will be so excited to see you following along!
A few minutes a day on my Instagram Stories.
Come join us. Bring your tired, honest, hopeful self and let's get sleeping better by Thanksgiving!
Love you, see you at the challenge and on the blog next week!
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