A friend of mine has mentioned her postpartum rage that she had and I hear a strain of guilt in her voice. It breaks my heart a little, because I know how it goes.
Overstimulation.
Explosion.
Spiraling in guilt.
Repeat.
I think all moms go through this at least sometimes. Even if we haven't labeled it "postpartum rage", we all have moments where we feel like a MONSTER as soon as the dust settles from that moment where we felt out of control.
This is what you NEED to hear when you are going through that, or when you're remembering with that stab of shame the last time you went through it.
And it's NOT what your brain thinks you need to hear.
Are you ready?
Are you sitting down?
Ok.. I may be hyping this up a bit too much :).
Whether it was how we were raised, the culture we live in, or just how our brains are wired, almost every mom I've ever met most naturally responds to herself with criticism and disgust.
'What is WRONG with you? I can't believe you yelled at your kids. You are such a bad mom.'
even at times
'They would be better off without you. You're ruining them. They'll surely need therapy now.'
And the clearest imagery of what this self-talk is doing to us that I can express is like someone who has fallen down, and then the bullies come and kick them while they're down. In fetal position. Kicking relentlessly.
So let's stop doing that. Can we all just agree that isn't going to help anyone heal?
Hurt people hurt people, ok? If you yelled at your kids, if you were a bit too rough, too harsh, if you totally freaked out, it was because YOU did not feel safe. You were scared. You were absolutely overwhelmed. The animal part of your brain took over because fear is too vulnerable and anger feels much more powerful.
I want you to picture, instead of the bullies brutally kicking the kid who fell down, someone coming over, with a smile and a hand outstretched to pull them back up. I want you to picture an arm around them. Comforting words. Waiting til they're ready to stand.
THIS is what you need right after you yell.
Compassion.
And it feels really unnatural at first. Our brains think that you'd just be letting yourself off the hook. That you HAVE to be harsh with yourself in order to change.
But think about it logically for a minute. If you have a pattern of yelling at your kids or exploding in some kind of rage, and you keep talking to yourself harshly about it, how's that going? Is change happening? Improvement?
This same principle applies to losing weight, becoming punctual, saving money, ANYTHING we want to do to improve.
You can not loathe yourself into sustainable progress.
It might scare you into doing better for a short time, but never for the long run.
So. If you are a mom who is suffering with postpartum rage,
and I want to emphasize that. You've probably only been feeling guilty about the suffering your kids may be experiencing when you yell or whatever you do.
But YOU are also suffering. Because you know you're not being the mom you want to be-- the best version of yourself that you really can be.
If you feel safe. If you have support. If you learn how to love yourself again.
If you are a mom who is suffering with postpartum rage, try love instead of loathing.
Right after an incident, make sure baby/child is safe and then go into a room where you can be alone for a few minutes.
Breathe deeply for as long as it takes for you to start to feel regulated.
Hug yourself. Stroke your own arms. Rock back and forth soothingly.
Tell yourself the words you actually need to hear. This can be really powerful in front of a mirror. Look yourself in your eyes, and try "I love you. That was rough. You were scared. You were angry. I don't hate you. I forgive you. I will help you get the support to figure this out. You are a good mom, that just had a hard moment. You can change. I will help you change. I love you. I'm in the long run with you. I will not criticize you anymore. I will not abandon you. I will not hate you. I'm sorry for the times I did."
Try talking to yourself THAT way and watch yourself yell/rage less often.
ALSO! A very practical and amazing resource: In Utah anyway, there are several non-profit centers (the one I know and love is called Family Haven) that will help in case of crisis. If you are having moments of rage or are scared you will, you can drop your kids off there for a few hours and get a break. They are AMAZING (and also available to any family, even if you're not in crisis for some break hours! We all need a break!).
Mama, if you read this and it resonated with you because YOU struggle with this, just know I love you. God loves you. He knows you. He gave you your kids for a reason and it is not too late to repair with them and with yourself. You are figuring this out. You are VERY GOOD at figuring things out.
And if you want some 1:1 support from me, just email me at holdthemom@gmail.com.
Love you and see you on the blog next week!
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