[Disclaimer: this blog is not medical advice, but simply my opinion and experience. Please don't hate-mail/spam me!]
Lately I've been thinking about and researching a controversial topic: bed-sharing with baby. The reason? I had always been told and believed this was a very dangerous and bad idea. Something that was not worth the risk. Something that even seemed immoral.
And then I was told that the statistics about the dangers of bed-sharing include those who are under the influence of drugs and alcohol, those who sleep with several different partners, and those who fall asleep with their babies on a couch. This was not representative of my situation.
Before I tell you about my experience, I strongly recommend you check out these two resources: "Is Sleeping with your Baby as Dangerous as Doctors Say?" (NPR article), and The Safe Sleep Seven (La Leche League). Feel free to read them and then come back to this. I plan to research this more, but this was a good start.
Here are three things that have surprised me about bed-sharing with my baby, which I tried for the first time after being a mother for 10 years.
1. How much more sleep we're both getting
I exclusively breastfeed, and my baby sleeps at my chest level for easy access. I sleep on my side (just as the NPR article describes-- this was my natural way of sleeping before I read this research), with my knees up to touch my baby's feet. My arm closest to the bed is up under my pillow or making an arch over baby's head. It is impossible to roll over on someone in this position.
When I was pregnant, I would toss and turn every night, trying to get comfortable. But once she was born I felt much more comfortable and calm (without that 11 lb 1 oz baby crowded inside!). No need to roll over- I have everything I need right there as she sleeps next to me.
I am aware of her, yet getting good sleep. When she stirs, I know she's there and help her latch on, and then we both fall asleep until she wants to nurse again. Even though some nights this may happen five or six times, I am feeling way more rested than I did during postpartum with all my other kids. Typically I would get out of bed, get the baby out of her bassinet, sit in a rocking chair to feed her (trying so hard not to fall asleep and sometimes not succeeding), and then put her back into her bed or console her if she still wasn't back to sleep, all the while feeling an exhaustion deeper than I had ever known and guilt if I couldn't stay awake. And then it would all happen again two hours later. I started to resent my baby and feel like I was in a fog all the time because of the lack of sleep.
But now, when I hear that inevitable question everyone feels the need to ask new parents, "Getting any sleep?" I laugh internally because I sure am!
2. The bonding we're getting, and how good it feels
I'm guessing some of this is because of how beautiful her birth went, and how over-the-moon I still feel about that. A big factor in that was another controversial (and supposedly irresponsible) thing I tried: an out-of-hospital birth. It was incredible how my midwives allowed me to take my time bonding with her immediately after birth, and how much that has helped with our bonding postpartum. I had difficulty delivering the placenta and I hemorrhaged, but because they let me keep my baby with me (even still attached to placenta for TRUE delayed cord-cutting which took about an hour), there was no birth trauma to process. What a mom really needs as soon as that baby is born is to be with baby, holding her!
And now the bonding continues. I used to want my own space, feel touched out, and couldn't stand for the baby to even be in the same room as me when I was trying to sleep. While I still understand those feelings and don't condemn them, now I'm excited to go to sleep with her close-by. Being close to her like that releases oxytocin (the love hormone) in both of us. I know we have what we need and we are safe. I feel very close to her emotionally.
3. How defensive I feel when someone tells me an anecdotal story of a baby dying this way
I get it. Babies could and some do die this way. And that is very sad. I don't want to ignore or make light of that.
I just really hate operating and making my decisions based on fear.
I understand there are some people who feel what I am doing is absolutely wrong. I am not suggesting this is right for your family. There are many factors that make me feel good about it for mine. We don't drink or do drugs. We keep her far enough from pillows and comforters. I'm breastfeeding. We keep charging cables away. We are keeping the Safe Sleep Seven that La Leche League recommends.
Another thing I've recently learned
So many cultures around the world bed-share. Is it possible that our culture is wrong to shun it? I love this part of that NPR article:
"The practice continues to be widespread around the world. Bed-sharing is a tradition in at least 40 percent of all documented cultures, Konner says, citing evidence from Yale University's Human Relations Area Files. Some cultures even think it's cruel to separate a mom and baby at night. In one study, Mayan moms in Guatemala responded with shock — and pity — when they heard that some American babies sleep away from their mom.
"But there's someone else with them there, isn't there?" one mom asked."
I think my whole life I've been a rule-follower. I've been very sensitive to the possibility of getting in trouble. I stay out of politics because I don't like half of the country thinking I'm an idiot or immoral for my beliefs. I avoid confrontation.
But with this topic, I really wanted to share what I think. Because maybe those Mayan moms are right to pity us. Maybe we are really doing new moms a disservice when we shut down that this could be a healthy option.
An imperfect comparison
What if you were leaving your house with your baby in her carseat, about to put her in the car. Your neighbor came out and said, "Hang on a minute. What do you think you're doing?! Do you know how dangerous that is?"
"What?" you'd ask, surprised.
"Driving with a baby in the car with you! A baby could die in a car accident."
"She's in a carseat. She's buckled correctly."
"Sure, but she could still die. In fact, it happened to my friend's cousin's baby last week."
"What do you expect me to do? We have a Dr. appointment a 15 minute drive away."
"I don't know, but a good mom would walk."
Of course this seems ridiculous. Most of us get in the car all the time with our babies and nobody bats an eye. We see it as a necessary risk. Heck, we don't even think of it as a risk, usually! Even with people driving under the influence or while texting/doing who-knows-what on their phones, we still use our cars with confidence. I get that this is an imperfect comparison, but my point is driving in a car is more dangerous, yet it is not controversial!
The statistics (see the NPR article infographic) show that death because of car accidents happens more often than death of a low-risk baby sleeping in their parents' bed. It's even more likely to be struck by lightning!
Because of shocking stories and deceiving statistics, many parents in the U.S. will not bed-share with baby, at least guilt-free. But how well do all those parents function without adequate sleep? And don't just answer with, "Sleep when the baby sleeps." We have a lot more support to give before parents will feel like they can actually take that advice.
Would parents get better sleep if they did share the bed with baby (following the Safe Sleep Seven)? Would they get more oxytocin? Would baby be happier and healthier too? How would these factors affect their chances of developing postpartum depression? What if the chances of better sleep, oxytocin, and bonding were seen as important enough to make bed-sharing a necessary risk?
The point of all of this
You may have sensed some annoyance, some defensiveness in my post. And that's because I'm doing something against the norm, which is uncomfortable for me. I want to belong to my tribe. I don't want to be considered as irresponsible, unloving, or stupid.
But as I mature in my motherhood, I'm trying to not care so much about what others think of me, and do what I feel is best for my family.
I just wanted to share my perspective of trying bed-sharing for the first time because I want moms to know this is an option. I want the ones who do this secretly to stop feeling so much guilt and shame. I want all of us to be open to other perspectives. I want us to operate out of love, and not fear. Love for the baby AND the mother. And I want to hold the mom. Postpartum depression is a very real concern, and I wonder if some of it could be prevented if mamas and babies were getting more sleep, oxytocin, and bonding without guilt by safely bed-sharing.
If this topic intrigues you, you'll love the webinar I'll be teaching in September.
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