"How will I do it with two?"
If I had a nickel for every time I hear this question...
It's said in a joking tone, or with vulnerable tears. Behind the question is insecurity, fear, sometimes shame. If you're wondering this (or something like it -- I know I went through this when I wondered how I'd possibly do it with three... four... five...), you're in the right place.
You've been through birth and postpartum once. You know how hard it can be (you probably weren't as supported as you deserved last time around). You feel like you're drowning.
Maybe you wanted a sibling for your first child. Maybe you were surprised. Either way, you have overwhelming feelings that this will be too hard to figure out.
So here are three mindset shifts that can help you feel more empowered about this shift in your family that's coming.
1. Define what it even means to "do it with two".
I just want to ask you to slow down a little and answer... what do you mean, "How will I do it?"
What is "it"?
Is "it" giving both of your children equal attention?
Is "it" getting through postpartum (which is hard enough) while caring for your toddler who may not understand your need to rest?
Is "it" having it all together? (and what does this even mean, too?)
Is "it" being that perfect version of yourself that you already wanted to be and haven't attained yet, (and now here's another baby to slow down/interrupt the process)? [spoiler alert- these babies are helping you become that even-more-amazing version of you!]
This question, "How will I do it with two" doesn't need to be so heavy when we realize, you ARE doing it and you will continue doing "it".
"It" is waking up every day. Getting out of bed even when you're tired or discouraged.
"It" is asking for help-- realizing you deserve help.
"It" is loving your kids. You are already SO good at this.
"It" is making mistakes, learning, trying again.
"It" is feeding yourself and your kids. Whether that's mac-n-cheese and chicken nuggets, formula, ice cream sandwiches...
"It" is using the gifts and talents you've been given and also the ones you've developed to be the best mom you can be, in your own style and way.
You get to decide what "it" is for you.
You can take the impossible expectations you had of what being a good mom means and use them as a weapon to hurt yourself again,
or
you can decide that you are actually doing an incredible job. And you will continue to, moving forward.
One question I like to ask myself when I feel stressed, is "What are the NEEDFUL things?" And then I pray and ask God to help me keep that perspective and help me do the needful things. Everything else can wait/stay undone.
2. Be the new girl.
One of my favorite questions I like to ask myself (and the women I coach) when something is challenging, is
"Why would you be good at this when you're new?"
If this is your 2nd+ baby, you may be telling yourself that it's NOT new, that you should know better. You should know what to do and be able to handle things because you've already had a baby and gone through postpartum before.
But realize, you've never been a mom to THIS new baby before. This new person with their own personality. You've never taken care of a baby AND a toddler before. Your toddler/older child who is constantly going through new stages. You have never recovered from THIS birth before.
When someone is new at something, we expect them to struggle a bit or ask for help. We expect it to take time and repetition before they catch on.
The same is true for you, mama.
What if you just owned it? Instead of wanting to hide your uncertainty or exude false confidence, what if your attitude was,
"Hey everyone! I'm the new girl!"
This attitude allows for grace. For room to learn and grow and change. For matrescence, which is the process of becoming a mother.
If you really could see all the changes going on with your hormones, body, mind, social life, and EVERYTHING else in the process of pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum, you would absolutely be compassionate with yourself as you navigate it all. And you would invest in some help because you would see how ridiculous it is to expect you could get through that all alone.
(I mean, you CAN go through it alone. Many people do. But why do that if there are kind and loving people who are passionate about helping moms like you? Why, if it's available to get relief now and not wait for your kids to be grown or for yourself to "figure it all out"?)
3. Depend on your resilience.
A lot of people are afraid of childbirth and becoming a parent because it's all so new. And that makes sense- our children are precious to us and it feels like a big, heavy, responsibility. But you have already done hard things up to know, I guarantee it.
You may not remember learning to walk. You may dismiss how challenging it was to learn to read. To make friends and navigate social situations. To grieve a death. You may think all of those things, including the tests and projects you've done in school, the chores you've learned to do, the apologies you've been brave enough to utter, that ALL of those things and more have nothing to do with birth and raising your kids.
But it has everything to do with it.
Like a young tree that has bent to the wind and then straightened itself up again over time, and layer after layer has grown strong enough to stand tall in a storm, YOU have done remarkable things. You have built resilience.
How will you do it with two?
💕First you will realize what "it" is and isn't. You will realize you're doing "it" exactly as you should be, so all you need to do is keep going.
💕Second, you will lean into the innocence and joy of being the new girl. You won't need to apologize, you won't need to pretend you're anything other than what you are-- a mom who was brave enough to have a baby and who deserves compassion, love, and support as you're figuring it all out (and PLEASE give yourself that compassion, love, and support first!).
💕And then you remember all the hard things you've navigated up to now, and see that just because it's new or different, doesn't mean it's impossible. You realize how strong you are. Your WHOLE LIFE has prepared you for today. You are ready. You can give birth again. You can wake up, change the diapers, feed the babies, make mistakes, learn, change, grow, try and try again. Take it a day at a time, or even a moment at a time. Just like in labor when it becomes doable when you focus just on the next contraction.
This process is so much more fun and fulfilling when you can love yourself along the way. If you want some help to learn how to do that again, come see me over zoom. I'm ready to help you with your unique situations. The first session is free and can give you a reset- a jump start to a new way of doing this all. Doing it with two (+). Just DM me on instagram (@douladiane) or email me at holdthemom@gmail.com to get going.
Also, if you want more on this topic, I wrote a post back in March, 2025 with some practical strategies to help you prepare for baby #2. You can find that
HERE.
I have such confidence in you that you CAN do it with two + and that you will, and do it beautifully. Love you, and until next week. --Diane
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