This week I coached a mom who is about a month postpartum now, recovering from a C-section (the recovery is no joke). She told me how her wise body (my words, not hers) is indicating that she's overdoing it, which can be frustrating since her mind is so ready to go go go- to get all the things done. Or if not all the things, at least the laundry!
I told her about what I've researched about how postpartum is honored in other countries and cultures. Many places allow the mother to simply rest, heal, and bond with her baby while expectations to get things done don't exist, at least for her. The essentials are managed by family, neighbors, and friends who come in and do it for her. No "I need help but I don't want to have to ask anyone,"; no "I just don't want to burden them," no "I have to prove I'm a good enough mom and I got it by myself."
We agreed that that sounded dreamy. To just be able to rest, with the peace of mind that everything was taken care of.
And while in some ways it does seem that way, it made me wonder why we don't allow for that dreamy reality typically in US culture. Why do we suffer needlessly? Why do we allow for postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, etc and only years later tell a trusted friend at the park that we probably had it but it was never diagnosed? Why do we attack the pile of dishes and lug heavy laundry baskets down the stairs only to see an increase in postpartum bleeding, and feel the wear and tear of our exhausted bodies who are just trying to heal? Why do we spin in scary, sometimes debilitating thoughts, not willing to utter a word of them to anyone because we're afraid of their judgment. We're afraid someone would find out what terrible mothers we are- unfit to care for our babies because what loving mom has scary thoughts like that?
Why?
There are many things I love about American culture. But in postpartum, I think we need a drastic shift from how it's normally "done". I think we're ripping open cocoons before our wings are developed. I think we're rushing a healing that really can't be rushed, only to suffer the consequences whether that's postpartum depression or a loss of identity and health that can affect a woman for the rest of her life.
I'm here to tell you, you don't have to chase the foolish notion of "bouncing back" like you might've seen other moms do. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. There is no expiration date-- if you haven't lost the baby weight, become confident, gotten your house under control and gotten everything together by the time the baby's been out of your uterus for a certain time period-- don't fear. You won't become that mom you never wanted to be.
You are allowed to (1) get the birth you want (a post for another day) and (2) have a truly restorative, healing, supported, dreamy postpartum. Even if that's not what happened last time for you. Even if nobody in your life "gets it". You are allowed to find the resources and help that will make postpartum a thriving, blessed experience.
And the biggest factor to all this, is the freedom and ability to rest. Enough.
In a culture where busy-ness is glorified and laziness demonized, we're afraid of rest. We lie down for a minute and instantly are bombarded with guilt. "shouldn't I be doing XYZ right now?" "[person who is helping] shouldn't have to do that." "I got it." "I can do it." "I need to do it." and even if we don't consciously think this one, it's a deep belief that so many of us have:
"My worth depends on what I get done."
A huge reason why postpartum is uncomfortable for many women is the surrender into rest. The mental gymnastics we have to do to be ok with ourselves if we don't accomplish things like we like to do.
To give ourselves permission to believe that we are good enough. We are good moms and humans even if (and especially when) all we do is stay in bed.
If the secret to thriving is rest, and we make it hard on ourselves to rest because of our mindset,
Here are a few hacks to help as you shift that mindset.
- Drop the word "should". Try "could."
- Own it. Own the season you're in. This one goes nicely with the previous one: "I could do the laundry that's piling up, but I choose to rest. Because even though mentally I'm antsy to get it done, I know the kindest thing I can do for my body and my mental health is to take it as easy as possible right now. This is not forever. But this is what I am choosing today."
- Recognize that feeling guilty the whole time does not allow true rest.
- Recognize that scrolling on your phone likely does not = rest. Think about all the stimulation on your brain as you're scrolling- a new reel or post every second! A new ad, a new mom you might compare your worst to her best, a new reason to feel dissatisfied with your life. Now, I believe in opposition in all things. There are wonderful things about social media. It can encourage, enlighten, connect. But just notice how rested you feel after a scrolling session, and if you feel more anxious, guilty, exhausted, or disappointed, it's time to not associate scrolling time with resting time any more.
- This is why I recommend getting some distance from your phone-- unless it's to turn on a white noise app. I'm not always great at this. I usually think of something I want to check or make note of while I'm resting, reach over for my phone again, and choose it over restorative rest. But as I write this hack I'm hoping the accountability I have in telling you will help me be better about this.
- Snuggle that baby. Really snuggle. Skin to skin. Pay attention to how it feels for them to breathe on your chest. Their little breaths. Their tiny fingers grabbing onto one of yours. When you snuggle your baby (and I recommend sleeping with them too, to be close as often as possible- here's a post about how to do that safely), you experience oxytocin which is an incredible hormone which helps your uterus shrink down to it's pre-baby size, and fills you with joy, love, and a strong sense of bonding with your baby. If you missed the "golden hour", don't fear. You can still bond with your baby. It's not too late.
- 5-5-5 rule. I did this with the baby I had 18 months ago from when I'm writing this and it was a GAME CHANGER. I stayed in my pjs (or less) for the first 15 days after birth. And I stayed in my room almost 100% of the time. This helped me and my family have realistic expectations about how I was going to treat postpartum. I was going to honor it and allow myself the time and space to heal. This doesn't mean I didn't see my family. They were welcome to visit me and the baby. But I didn't go out and break up fights with my little kids in the other room. I didn't see if dishes were overflowing in the sink. I didn't check to make sure we had enough paper towels in the pantry. I was off duty with all those things. I was doing a very important and temporary work. Healing from birth, and focusing primarily on feeding and bonding with the newborn.
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