Today's blog post title comes from a hilarious onesie I once saw:
I mean, how cute (and true) is that? A little snarky, perhaps, but refreshingly honest for the moms who don't want unsolicited advice.
When you're pregnant, and when you have small kids, you usually get so. much. advice.
Here are 5 lil reminders to help you not lose it with strangers when this happens.
1. People just want to connect.
I remember feeling annoyed most of the time when people would give me advice or make comments about my body shape and size when I was pregnant/postpartum. I had a lot of defensive and judgmental thoughts, like 'how is this ok?' 'why would they think they're the expert for what I should do?'
I remember when a woman came into my home to check on me before the baby came. I can't remember now who sent her... my insurance? Anyway, she asked what kind of birth I was planning to have and when I told her unmedicated, she quipped, "Oh, you'll be screaming for that epidural." That comment haunted me, adding to the feelings of defeat when I did end up asking for one (I didn't know what doulas were back then and just didn't have the support I needed). Comments like hers are just plain inappropriate.
Small talk became tedious at the end of pregnancy. I wanted to just say, "Please, just leave me alone. I'm so tired of answering all the same questions and hearing advice. I just want people to treat me like a real person with other interests and things to talk about besides being pregnant, and follow the normal cultural norms of appropriate conversation with a stranger."
Anyway, perhaps some of this attitude was due to just the emotions I often carried, as heavy as my baby in my uterus, especially in the third trimester. When you're feeling so "done", yet you don't want to get induced, and another person asks when your due date is? So frustrating. That's a whole other post I could and maybe should write.
So, after you get over all the angsty feelings you may come across if you're anything like me, if you can manage to give people the benefit of the doubt, you'll see that people aren't trying to be annoying or unkind. People can tell you're pregnant and are excited about the existence of a new life. In some ways I think it's kind of beautiful how a pregnant belly can be an ice breaker and create a conversation that might've never happened.
I think most people are inherently good, and they're just trying to connect. And the patience you'll develop during these kinds of interactions will benefit you a great deal when you need to be patient with your baby.
2. Their advice tells us about THEM, not about you.
People want to be helpful. Useful. They want to be relevant. Heard. Sometimes you'll go to a baby shower and women will start sharing their birth stories- sometimes one-upping each other. "Well, my labor was 42 hours!" I think many of these women have never taken the time to process their birth, so during the two hours of the baby shower while it's relevant, they want to be able to tell their story. I don't find it appropriate when people share their horror stories with a pregnant woman who is about to give birth. So try to remember, this is about them and unprocessed pain, not about you and what your experience will be like.
This applies not only to stories, but advice as well. If someone tells you not to sleep with your baby, for example, it only tells you about their own fears and beliefs. If someone tells you to exclusively breastfeed, that's maybe what they enjoyed doing or wish they had done.
This also applies to compliments or uncomfortable comments you'll receive. How can you hear "you look adorable" and "you are very large" in the same day? These comments don't tell us how you actually look or what you are like at all. It simply tells us who feels insecure. If you want, ask this person about their life and get them to start talking about themselves to avoid any more awkward body comments. Or you can choose to be amused by what people think is ok to say just because you're pregnant. Tally the times people ask the same questions or mention your size, and buy yourself something like this when you get to 50.
3. You get to take what you want, leave what you don't.
People mean well, but if you take their advice with a big grain of salt you won't feel pulled in many directions. Just because someone (even someone you love and respect) suggests you birth or parent in a certain way, doesn't mean you need to feel any amount of guilt if you choose your own way.
I love what the birth instructor taught us in my birth class "How to Birth Like a Rockstar" years ago. (It was an EPIC class as you could probably guess...). She talked about how for you, this experience is so precious. It may be your only birth, or one of few. It's ok to be assertive- to ask for what you need, to hold boundaries, to protect yourself. To be a jerk, even. To doctors, nurses, midwives, even neighbors or strangers, you are one of many many pregnant women they will interact with. The birth may be just another for them. But to you, it really matters. So it's ok to stand up for yourself and your needs.
The same principle applies to advice. You do not have to be obedient just because someone has been through raising kids before you. You do not have to do things the way your mom or mother-in-law or sister did. You get to decide how you want to do this "mom" thing, and if you lean into your own instincts, talents, gifts, and ideas, it'll be so much smoother than if you stress about trying to be someone you're not.
4. Don't let the fear of "getting it wrong" delay you from figuring out your own way.
This point is one that took me so long to learn. I was almost paralyzed because I was afraid of doing things wrong in my mothering. I was afraid of being judged or messing up my baby.
I think we do new moms a disservice when they have their baby in a hospital with the doctor seen as the authority that they need to obey. We don't want to be a problem. We don't want to be "that patient" that the nurses may be complaining about in the hall. So we bend and allow and concede and sometimes experience trauma or often at least disappointment as our desires, birth plans, and voices are ignored (at times. I don't mean to criticize all hospital staff. Some are kind and brilliant.). And then we go home, a little broken, and absolutely unsure of what to do because that "authority" is no longer there.
I think about how warned I was before leaving the hospital to never sleep with my baby. I got home and wouldn't dream of it. I was going to obey, and be a loving mom who would risk sleepless nights if it meant keeping my baby safe. But then, despite my best efforts to stay awake when I'd be in the rocking chair nursing her every two hours all night, I would sometimes drift off. And SO much guilt was there immediately when I'd wake up. After nights of that, sometimes I'd sheepishly bring her into bed with me, afraid that if anyone knew they'd take my baby away because of my bad judgment and selfishness.
Fast forward to now, after researching and intentionally deciding to co-sleep with this last baby. It was such a better choice for me and my family. We slept, we bonded better, we had a much smoother postpartum. And I only wish I could've given my past-self permission to lean into my instincts and try it sooner. These are some great resources to learn how to co-sleep safely if you're curios about that.
5. Regret is a choice.
The piece of advice I feel I've heard the most as a mom of little kids is that famous, "enjoy it! It goes so fast." I've written other posts about this one, but I just want to add this truth.
Regret is a choice. If I don't enjoy every minute, I don't have to beat myself up later. It is a much healthier option to recognize that I did enjoy it some of the time, and hated it some of the time, and that's ok. Motherhood is complicated. It would be too simplistic to look back and just wish I had enjoyed it all or enjoyed it more.
I understand one day my babies will be grown. One day I might miss the sound of small feet running through the house. But I don't buy into the idea that I will have to regret it. That gives so much pressure to young moms who often feel like they're just in survival mode as it is.
At the end of the day, advice will come from every direction, but only you can decide what matters most for you and your baby. Motherhood doesn’t come with a rulebook, and that’s a gift. You get to write your own story, trust your instincts, and shape this season in a way that feels right for you.
I'm here to cheer you along the way. If you want a confidence-building session as you navigate complicated emotions with advice and what others are saying to you, simply DM me on instagram @douladiane (or email holdthemom@gmail.com) and we'll talk soon!
And if you want to grab one of those onesies, HERE is the link to that Etsy shop!
See you on the blog next week, my friend!
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